HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can
be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.
-----------------------------------------
This e-mail message is for the sole use of the intended
recipient(s) and may contain information that is confidential. Any
unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited.
If you are not the intended recipient(s), please contact the
sender by reply e-mail and destroy the original message and any
copies of the message as well as any attachments.
* * * * *
