Barbarella's blog: "Life"

On Oct. 24, momma went for her post radiation MRI; it showed no signs of the tumor anymore. We are all very much relieved and happy, hopefully she will continue to recover her memory and the confusion will get better.

So yesterday the group at TR all went to the Louisville Zoo; we had such a good time! Everyone was in good spirits, the trip up was quick and the zoo was AMAZING..I had never been before so I was excited to see all I could, we had only a couple of hours but it was so nice, decor was for halloween, they have safe treating during october and all sorts of games and activities.

I even went in the snake house, I am petrified of them but there were so many and at a safe distance, all behind glass so it wasnt bad at all. The albino alligator was very nice, orangatangs were funny..LOL. Many of the animals were not out cause it was so chilly but I hope to go back when the weather is warmer so I can see them all..

I also rode the carosel so beautiful.

Momma has finished her radiation, and hasnt had her follow up mri to check the size of her tumor. She continues to be very guarded and very difficult at times still...the stress is so high right now, she is continuing to profess her disdain for not being able to drive; and still thinking about getting a new car just so she can have keys..LOL. She is in pretty good spirit otherwise, I noticed that she is losing more of her hair, though she got a new wig yesterday that looks really good on her. Lots of company still comes by to check on her which is good.

I dunno whats gonna happen, time will tell...I just wish that things would geet better.

I hear from guys frequently that I should talk to them and take time to get to know them because they are better and different than all the rest....I am reluctant to talk to someone that I feel may lead to trouble, or even worse, heartache..

Last week this guy had asked repeatedly to talk with me and even though I initially said no, I reconsidered and began to talk with him on the phone. We had several things in common, were not too far apart in distance which was good. We talked sunday through wednesday several times, all good and made plans to go out over the weekend. I had been to the dr on monday and was given meds that had made me sick and I needed to take them til this week. I wanted to have a good time on this date without being sick so on wed. I asked if we could postpone our date a week so that I might be feeling better and be able to truly enjoy our time together. he said thats fine...Apparently it wasnt, he has been ignoring me ever since. So I think the next time a guy sais that he is different and isnt like the others, hes gonna have to do more than just speak he will have to show it by action as well...

I have come to learn that when you burn a bridge you bes hope that you dont ever come to a place where you need to cross it again...

I dont always make the best choices; more often than not I do many things on impulse and think only in the moment, not what repercussions could follow or that because of my actions others may get hurt. My relationships both romantic and platonic have been jeopardized so many times because I was paranoid for no reason and because I let gossip get to me before finding out all details.

I cannot change the things that I have said and done to people; I can only try my best to make sure that history doesnt repeat itself. All that I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope for the best..

So momma is now almost to the end of her treatments, but she had to be hospitalized again yesterday. While at the drs office, she was so weak she couldnt get off the table; she has been experiencing numbness and tingling in her feet/ legs for several days and had a seizure last week. I checked her meds to see if she was taking everything properly and I couldnt find her steroid pills that prevent her brain from swelling..I hope that she hasnt run out and just didnt say anything, cause she needs them very  much. Her behaviour has been really erratic recently, and she is angry with me and brother alot cause we wont allow her to do things that could cause her harm. We will get through it though. My birthdaay is sunday and becca will be here so at least for a day all will be well..

So, momma has started her treatments now...she has gotten used to her seizure meds now so she still lays down quite a bit after she gets home, she is eating like crazy, somethin she has NEVER done..Being difficult about the docs though and still saying she doesnt need help. The med bills are really getting high nothing like they wil be though. I wonder if she realizes just how serious her condition is, dont realy believe she does...She has enjoyed all the company and help her friends have been giving especially the trips to McDs, she enjoys seeing her cliq of a morning and catching up on the gossip.

Momma came home today, she was so pale and the scar left from the biopsy was a good sized one 15 staples at least. She will be doing radiation treatments 5 days a week for 6 weeks, seemed like an awful lot to me but I'm told that it really isnt that much... Not sure when the biopsy results will be back.

Lots of family have come in to support both she and my aunt gail who has had to have major surgery twice in the past week. Since momma isnt being left alone, the family is staying with her and we are hoping members of her church family will be able to assist. She is staying very tired from the meds; being a person that has never taken meds that would affect her the way these have it will just take time for her system to become accustomed.

We are all still hopeful that this course of treatment will bring good things, just taking things day to day...

So, its been a few days and after many changes of mind, discussion and debate the news is not good. My mothers biopsy was postponed until friday, the drs decided that her tumor has grown and spread too deep in her brain for removal. Still hoping that the tumor is non malignant, but that at this point is just something else to absorb if true...

Since the tumor cannot be removed, my mommas life will be taking a drastic change; no driving, nothing over a 15 min ride at a time; no housework, no anything basically.She will need a companion and care all the time, not something that any of us are used to her having to deal with but is a reality now. There are a couple of procedures that possibly could be used, time will tell.

I have always known that life could hand a person anything at anytime... I was not prepared  however, for what I was given last week...

After almost a year of memory that had continually gotten worse, strange behaiour, comments etc. my mother was diagnosed last week with a brain tumor. Initially it seemed as though she was in the early stages of alzheimers, after hearing what she told the drs and test results a very different story. She had been passing out, having seizures etc. but not telling anyone, in her state of mind, she didnt hink these things were all that important. My momma doesnt believe in going to drs, taking meds, thinks its a waste of time, even when she is in good form..LOL

My momma has always been a very independant persson, is a business woman never depended on anyone for anything much and now that she is in fact having to depend on others is not sitting well. She didnt even tell anyone in the family after she was put in the hospital because she didnt want anyone there. Nor does she realize that things will change after the tumor is removed...time will tell. She is too damned ornery to let anything get her in its grip too far LOL, but thats momma...