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eyesrbrnforever's blog: "Life"

created on 02/15/2008  |  http://fubar.com/life/b188809

Forgivness

Forgiveness Everyone has always told me I have to forgive people in my past and let go to be able to get on with my live and have healthy happy relationships. how do you do that? how do you forgive someone who always let you down. who constantly berated you and put you down. who never protected you from the outside world. someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally and never did. I did everything they ever asked of me., either to please them, hoping it would make them love me just a little, or out of fear. but it never was good enough. so I left, with anger, bitterness, and hatred in my heart for them, the little girl in me wishing them a lonely old live full of pain, planning on never seeing them again. Four weeks ago my Daddy passed away, and I was had to face my mother again. I went with expectations I shouldn't have had. Hoping for answers I know now I will never get. Even though my mother is in a convalescent home having suffered possibly dozens of strokes, has limited ability to speak, the use of one arm, and both of her legs to Diabetes. I could still tell when she was talking down to me. All I could think was I had wished this on her. Then at my Daddy's wake, my step-sisters told me stories that I had either blocked out, or was too young to remember. And even then, they too expected me to go and tell her I forgave her. I tried, I even said the words, and in a moment of clarity on her part she asked what she had done. Yes I should have said something, but I wasn't alone with her at that time. And more than likely I will never see her alive again. As I was leaving her to fly across the country, in a loud clear voice, she told me she loved me, and you could tell she meant it for the first time in 45 years. So I boarded the plane with unanswered questions, anger, bitterness, pity, for the woman who gave birth to me but couldn't love me. who was supposed to protect me from the outside world, and caused the most pain in my life. How do you forgive that? How do you let go of that and move on?
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