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lila's blog: "LIFE"

created on 10/28/2006  |  http://fubar.com/life/b18836

ooo forgot something

PS I finally gave in and admitted that I am bi!

Wow huge update

Ok I know I have not been on here in forever but I feel like giving an update on my life. I am now renting an apartment with my boyfriend... however it is not the guy in my other blog. I have been with this guys for almost 8 months now. He works full time and I go to school full time plus work on the side. We are both very busy but very happy. I am now working at Victoria's Secret and as a fetish model. I do films for tickling fetishes and bdsm fetishes. I am also doing some modeling competitions and possibly getting another job at a local food store. Needless to say I am very very busy. I am completely in love and hoping to marry the guy that I am with. At the same time as all the other things are happening I also want to get married and start a family. I know I need to wait until I finish school and I am doing well in school but I really wish I didn't need to wait. I am living life large and I finally feel like I am in control of my own life! XOXOXOXOXO to everyone who takes the time to read this blog!

I'm really scared

I am really scared right now. My Aunt Cathy which is who I live with has Chondrosarcoma Cancer. She has been on radiation and chemotherapy and it isn't working. Instead the tumors have been growing. Now not only are the tumors growing but she is falling all the time. She has fallen 10 times or more in 3 weeks. Last night she fell and hit her head on the floor extremely hard. I am really scared for her and scared that she might die or be comatose. She would hate that more than almost anything. She is scared too which means that she takes it out on me. I don't mind helping her at all but sometimes it is just so overwhelming. What if one of these days she falls and I am not here to help her? Or what if she falls and gets seriously hurt. She needs to have surgery because if she doesn't she might be paralized but if she does have the surgery she might not walk again and if she does walk she will probably have to have a walker. I don't know what to do with all of this. What am I supposed to do? What will I do if something does happen to her and she is comatose or dies???? It is so hard to deal with all of this. I don't know what I am supposed to do to help her a lot of the time. Not only that but she gets mad at me and accuses me of not caring or being pissed at her. Then she says that I don't even try to help her which isn't even the least bit true. I am doing the best I can but it doesn't seem to be even the least bit good enough. I feel so inadaquit. I feel like crying so bad.
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