So, why do we, as people, deliberately do things we know is going to hurt ourselves and others? And why do we prolong the pain? Shouldn't we know it is best to avoid such things, or to at least stop them as soon as we realize its happening? or are we just prone to self destruction? We all know the old saying, "misery loves company," but shouldn't happiness love company too? I know, I for one, would LOVE to find love and happiness, and would just as much, Love and be happy to share that. Yet even I have a tendency to do exactly the opposite of what I know is the better path. Leaving myself alone, lonely and tired... I wish I could say I have given it all I've got, but you all know I am not really a "liar." I might omit things once in a while, which goes along with the deliberate task of self destruction. I know the things I SHOULD! do...But I rarely put forth the effort, it's like I lack any drive or stimulus. I try to say, "Oh, I would do all that, if I was happy and had love" and all that. yet I also know, it is a foolish thought to think I could find those things, living the life I am living... I have to fix my life before I bring anyone else into it, regardless of how I ot they feel... that is really the only fair thing to do... I have been all too quick to blame others and bad circumstance for me being in the place I am... but can any of us honestly say it isnt our own faults? I know I am where I am because of me. I was too shy to stand up for myself and be who I needed to be, I choose the wrong paths so many times... What would be the right path now? I would like to go back to school, but not sure what for? Most likely computers, but there are so many people already doing that, and how am I going to get a job in an office with my hands all tattooed up? I feel I have doomed myself to a life of construction work, only problem with that is, my body can't handle that any more.
well, if you have made it this far, thank you, but there is more...
I have a saying, " Hope for the best and expect nothing". sounds pretty simple, right? if you have no expectaions, then you can't be let down... but in doing so, you are only letting yourself down and again, have only your self to blame... why hope if you can't expect? I mean, i HOPE to get off my ass and either find a job or get my ass back in to school, but I dont really EXPECT either of those to happen, getting a job is up to the people who wish to hire me, i DO apply, i go out and turn in apps, and do all that, but never get even a phone call... you'd think, with how much this town is Supposedly "growing" that there would be more work... but I guess they are just being picky and I am not up to their standards, something I have to say I am used to, in work, life and love... I work hard enough, I am smart, I am funny. but always just not quite good enough. or someone who isnt half as good at the task as I am gets preference over me...or I will get laid off because of someone else's poor work.
so, i am deciding, I am giving up on love until I get my life straight. I can be only a friend to anyone, cause that is all anyone can be to me. I am not gonna say sorry. I am not gonna say sorry that in YOUR eyes, I am not good enough... because i AM good enough, i am a WONDERFUL person on the inside and i deserve love and happiness and a decent job and life... but I understand, it is time for me to become who I am supposed to be. I can not do that with loose ends.
Wish me Luck! D
