RedHotLustLife's blog: "Laugh For The Day"

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?!" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!” She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 28. Duct tape won't fix that. 27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 26. We don't keep firearms in this house. 25. You can't feed that to the dog. 24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 23. Wrestling is fake. 22. We're vegetarians. 21. Do you think my gut is too big? 20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog. 18. Who gives a dam who won the Civil War? 17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor 15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 14. Trim the fat off that steak. 13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 12. The tires on that truck are too big. 11. I've got it all on the C: drive. 10. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 9. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 7. Checkmate. 6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 5 Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 4. I don't have a favorite college team. 3. You Guys. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY: 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

This Guy Has Way Too Much Time On His Hands... This gentleman lives in St. Louis, Mo. and each year at Christmas he decorates his home and synchronizes the lights with music. This must literally take him months! The video is a little blurry and slow at first, but watch the entire thing...it's a hoot at the end! This just blows me away!!! Wouldn't you hate to be the neighbor that lives across the street??? LMAO

BEING FROM ILLINOIS, I CAN ATTEST THAT THESE ARE ALL TRUE!!! Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois: If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Illinois. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois. If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois. If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN: 1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and l eave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them. 9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's Hot. 12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 13. Down south means Missouri to you. 14. A brat is something you eat. 15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday. 17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly." 19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Illinois friends. (What's not to understand)

Pregnant Turkey Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pre gnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep . . ...SHE'S BLONDE!

Here's a little story to brighten your day: The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was sop leased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day!

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!

When you occasionally have a really bad day , and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know . I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f**in number!"..... and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back a nd said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover . Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works...