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Looking at the endless monitor of our preception gathering thoughts like Thoth. will the internet take over and make us its drones. Has it? I should be sleeping. I could be meditating. Maybe something spiritiual to connect me back to the source. Have I lost my way in life? Have I just had a really shitty emotional day? Crying at the drop of a hat. I want to be strong. I want to be like those encouraging cancer patients that are bald with a smile. Resting bitch face was not meant for cancer. Everyone excpects you to be resiliant and bounce back. "oh its just medicine how hard could chemo be" The truth is it fucking sucks. No one tells you its horrible chemicals to kill your body and hope the cells that were bad are dead and only good cells grow back. Really the doctors dont know what causes it or how to fix it. It fucking sucks. I hate feeling invalent and unable to care for self. I hate asking for help to stand so I can walk down the hall to the bathroom. I am greatful to my family that they are here to help me. I am saddened when my 4 year old holds my arm cause she sees everyone else doing it. I want to lift her in my arms and dance but all I get is wobbles down the hall. All my girls are far too young to have to endure this horribleness. I am going to go find my che
