sweet tart's blog: "Just some stuff I write..."

Taking time to improve my personal life. I adore my online friends, but it is just time to focus on me and mine. Too many bad things have happened in the past few years. Time to get good KARMA back! Too many deaths in family and friends, fire in my Nikki's home and she has a new baby, health issues throughout the family...including myself. I'm not doing things right, evidently. So much has been happening, it's too much to admit and write about. So I will not. My phone is fucked...my computer is giving me trouble...so, I am giving up for while. Anyway, I have a new rescued baby to deal with. A mini dachshund pup that would have been euthanized. I hate that shit! I may end up being a crazy dog lady! 

BD, I'm so happy you are back! I love you and you know it!

I must take some time to get myself healthy and aligned. My hormones are killing me! I ask for time and patience, because I am sure I will be back.

Sweet Tart kisses and lovin,

Kelly

As my status suggested, over a week ago, the niece I raised had a beautiful baby boy on May 16th. Not an easy birth, by any means. Ended up being a C-section after about 24 hrs. of induced labor.

I came home only to be sick as hell...with my insane 14 year old lab/chow mix, which anyone who knows me, knows he is the love of my life. He has scarred his beautiful face trying to escape the yard (he never did that before). It is stressing me.

Tonight, I get a call from Hotlanta...my darling niece is in the hospital from complications. I don't really know much more than that.

UGHHHHHH! Illness spreading through my house...insane elderly dog...and my sick baby girl...it does seem to happen in 3's!

I ask for positive energy sent this way. PLEASE!

I am just waiting for news. Another trip to Hotlanta may be imminent.

I appreciate any and all help for my family to be healthy and safe.

Thank you,

Kelly

Do not make me 

show that you are not much more than meat

Spent a wonderful hour and 1/2 talking with my niece that I raised for most of her life (now 24 yrs old and 7 months pregnant). We weren't always so close. She was always MY girl (most of her life was spent with me)...my daughter but not my daughter biologically.

Poor child had horrible times with parents being dysfunctional (luckily) at different times. Then moving to Florida with her Nana and Aunt Kelly. Smooth times and some trying times for ALL of us. So many mother figures that child had (grandmother, aunt, mother, father's girlfriend)...it had to be confusing for her. I admit, I was harsh at times. She went wild. I had to be harsh (not abusive) I only wanted her to better herself and be a good person. I saw a wonderful little girl turning into a hateful person...calling her own Nana a BITCH. I was devastated! My mother is a saint not a bitch. At one point she went back to her mother. A while later, she saw what Nana and Aunt Kelly did...and knew it was for her own good and admitted it.

I am proud to say, she did see the good we tried to instill in her. She is responsible, beautiful, kind yet stands up to what is good and right. I can't have my own children...but I have HER! A baby I raised into a wonderful adult with strong morals and stronger beliefs! Fight on, my darling warrior! Aunt Kelly loves you unconditionally!

I had the joy of seeing the otherside...yet again, as I have most of my life....unfortunately, I am doubted.....as fucking usual!!!!!!!!!! I'm over it!  You keep  getting beating down and everything shuts off.........BITCH IS OFF!

GUILT

Guilt is wishing jail for a loved one,

hoping it is for his sobriety.

Guilt is knowing you take,

much more than you can give.

Guilt is loving someone,

You are not with.

Guilt is knowing you will hurt someone.

Because, you'll never leave the one you are with.

Guilt is trying to please others,

when at the moment...

YOU just don't give a fuck!

Guilt is a daily fight.

It consumes my soul.

I should feel SOMETHING...

Yet, I do not!

I am numb....and yet, I feel guilty because of it. 

I watch...

As blood flows from my fingertips.

From my nose.

I watch...

As my blood flows...from my ears.

From my soul.

I watch...

And ponder the truth of it.

Do I create it?

Or is it imposed?

I watch...

Wondering why I assume the weight

Is on MY shoulders?

When it is on OURS!

I watch...

As guilt consumes me.

Guilt, for the starving.

For those, who have not.

I watch...

As vets suffer...

and children go hungry.

I give, even when I can't give.

I watch...

As loved ones come and go.

Always wondering why?

Yet I watch silently.

I watch...

myself die slowly.

As so many others do.

In my soul, I wish for peace.

I watch...

The world disappear.

The world I dream of.

Peace, beauty and pure love.

I watch...

And always dream.

Of the beauty.

And right.

The right humans can do!

I must admit, I am less neurotic and much more productive being away from Fu. My work projects and home projects are exhausting but coming along with ease and I haven't killed anyone! LOL!

  I admit my life is still a bit stressful but I feel I am handling things better. My real FRIENDS have my email and a select few have my phone number. Please use them for messages and texts. I love and miss my Fu's...but, true Fu folks know how to reach me if they wish. And if I gave you my info and you failed to make note....I'm sorry....

I am reclaiming my life...I'm reclaiming ME! 

44 is coming soon, I have spent my entire life trying to please others...it is my turn! I'm not saying I will stop trying to please others, because that does makes me happy, but it's MY turn. My well being is top priority at the moment.

True friends (and I know you are there) will be here when I return. If I thought you were a TRUE friend and you are not here when I return....then shame on me for my lack of good judgement....and if you are here.....then obviously, you are meant to be in my life.

Until then, I send my kisses and love...

Kelly