Chelan's blog: "Just Me"

Carefully placed, tended and faced. Perfection it seems. Yet a house of cards it is, A soft breeze comes along and tears it apart.

Thank you my friend for opening my eyes, to see through my pain for what it truly is, for comfort, understanding, compassion and wisdom. For strength to move on and be free. I agree we need a new motto and that is a good one. We no longer demand respect we command it. Also other wise words I heard, people train you how to be treated, as you train others how to treat you. If you allow others to ignore you they will, if you allow others to hurt you you will forever be hurt. It goes on and on you get the idea..

So sitting here thinking what I can do to make myself feel better. Realizing what makes me happiest is to make a difference to someone else. It could be the smallest thing, a smile, a laugh, a joke. It's all the sweeter reward, when it's someone who is down and you can really tell their day has been lifted. When working I had a habit of waving to 15-25 people every morning, and guess what.. they got in the habit of waving back and smiling. That along with an individual hello/good morning to each child as they walked on the bus. Middle schoolers had a habit of just looking at me like I was crazy or walking by with their Ipods secure in their ears, seemingly oblivious. I would still get a nod and smile from a handful and a couple with heartfelt return greetings. My elementary students were similar in a sense but the younger ones would really brighten up with a greeting. A few even would give me a hug as they entered the bus, even though I was unable to return the hug, company policy. I have had difficulty lately where it seems no matter what I do, instead of lightening the day for someone I care for, I have the opposite affect. It has brought me down and I've been reaching out more to others who are obvious in their enjoyment of my company. I have been afraid to share my thoughts openly, afraid people would not listen as I am often quiet/ignored/overlooked/disregarded when I have something to say. A part of me was afraid to share in fear of my words being taken wrong, do I trust my words in the minds of others? Or who would listen to a rambling on. I'm at the point of fuggit. If I can brighten someone's day, Great. If not I'm not wasting the energy and burning myself out in the process. Thank you to those who take the time to read this, it took a lot for me to share. Edit: May 31. It's been over a week since school has been out. Yesterday I went grocery shopping, a bit frazzled after my son's doctor's appointment (screening for possible autism). He started fussing, screaming, and threw his shoes and socks on the floor. He finally calmed down as I enter the check out line hanging over the edge staring at the floor. A few carts ahead of me I see a smiling face, one of my middle schoolers, who would hardly take notice of my greetings before, waving and smiling. He gained the attention of another boy with him, "look there's our bus driver." The other boy also waved and smiled. It really cheered me up.

All night a dull rumbling has surrounded me Flashes of light above, constant, persistent, arousing, entrancing, commanding attention. As fireworks or bombs have shone their light before, the storm persists. My stomach growls along with the sky. I hunger but I cannot eat. I thirst but cannot drink. An overwhelming sense of loss takes over. Is this some cosmic tribute? Some remembrance for all. Today I pray for those who have sacrificed for my freedom.

I just had a mental breakthrough as to what my problem is. There's different parts of the brain right and sometimes they don't get along.. the part that's retaliating is my wondering part of my brain..the part that says hey I wanna fly airplanes the part that says hey lets travel the world the part that says hey I want to go back to college and get a degree, I want an adventure! The rest of my brain is yelling back.. can't afford it, you're not organized enough, don't wanna go against hubby's fears of me flying or growing. If I work at it maybe I can prove to myself I'm organized enough, smart enough, strong enough, so I can work to where I can afford an adventure. I haven't had one in so long I didn't even get one in the army when that was a big reason why I even joined; to fly and to see the world. I don't want a mundane life. I don't want unsafe adventures either. My mind still has flying as safe to do, I dream of it.

I was thinking what is my big hold up on getting everything clean.. then it came to me.. it is safety. It's not a mess it's a theft deterrent system. See if anyone were to try to break into my home.. they would first have issue with opening the door with the shoes piled behind it trip over a box get their foot snagged in the laundry fall flat on their face on some lego's. This all of course would wake everyone up in the house enough to be calling the police.. So yeah that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. (of course makes walking at night difficult but I'm almost used to it)

Thoughts. Current mood: contemplative Personally I tend to go with the flow of life, observe, stand back, and try to keep smiling though it all. I can be too much of a people pleaser, and I can be selfish. I keep my distance fearing rejection but can form deep relationships that also scare me.