A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual
jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with
his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. And then he
yelled,
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
________________________________________
Fido
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father.
"Dad," he says," you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited... "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog".
"I sure did, Dad!" "I sure did!"
"That's my boy!"
______________________________________________
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.
-_____________________________________
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddie while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
====================================
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York.
Act like one.
