ninjasabby's blog: "jokes"

Managerial Mishaps... The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions!"

Give a Man a Fish... One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there." Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there." A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!" The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager

Please Hang Up and Try Again... A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers. The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' "I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.'' The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?'' The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots! The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause follows. Another long pause. Finally the man asks: ''Is this 567-5309?''

Subject: YODELING > > > YODELING > > > > > Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? > > Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of >Switzerland > > Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went >up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. ! > > The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. > > As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is >that man going into the barn?" > > "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to >stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." > > The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate >of food for him and then took it out to the barn. > > About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled >and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. > > The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps >the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the >barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her >blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. > > The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued >on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. > > When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she >broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she >cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" > > "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking >for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. > > The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with >my daughter!" > > The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next >to his mouth, and yelled out..... > > "LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boats provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie however sated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out "make the entire ocean into Guiness beer The genie clapped his hands wiht a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. after a long, tension-filled moment he spoke. NIce going Patrick now we are going to have to pee in the boat

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of "Who wants to be a millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. "you've done very well so far," saids the show's presenter, but for 1 million dollars, you've only got one lifeline left phone-a-friend. 'Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?" "sure," said MIck. I'll have a go!" "ok. the question is:which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a)Robin b)Sparrow c)Cuckoo d) Thrush." "I hasnt got a clue," said Mick, "so i'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye_Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstance and repeated the question to him. Fookin Ell,Mick!" cried Paddy. "dats just simple loogic....its a Cuckoo." are you sure Paddy said Mick. I', fookin sure replied Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer. Is that your final answer asked the host. Dat it is Sir. There was a long,long pause, then the presenter screamed Cuckoo is the correct answer Mick you've $1,000,000 the next night Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. Tell me, Paddy How in Gods name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest? You mean you know fook-all about birds. Fer fooks sake laughed Paddy everybody knows a fookin Cuckoo lives in a clock

We Need To Have A Talk... After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied: "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays

Questions on the Universe and the Meaning of Life... Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

New Year's Adjustments... After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Does It Hurt When I Do This? A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."