Sissy's blog: "Jokes"

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even...

This is priceless. For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally..... "Circumcised" (this is priceless!) A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

The Penis Wants a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. ~~~~~~ Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious- looking bags. Sincerely, The Management ~~~~~~ 5 reasons not to be a penis... 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and... 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me To have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! And now it's time for a rebuttal..... I'm glad I'm a Woman! I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old [censored] envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncarin g husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a g reat product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack! . Both tests came out positive!"

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. He immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off. The moral to this is, "Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass!"

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."