cutekitty6969 Family Member Canadian C...'s blog: "joke"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior, and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below. Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began to cry and said, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and, when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed,"NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And last, but not least .... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go f*ck herself."

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ___________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. __________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. _______________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _______________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one... ______________ __ _______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? _______________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... _______________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______ _____ _______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty Cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him El-Take-O." They love to hate each other And constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's' **** is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door. Now THAT.... My friends, is getting even!

Q: Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word? A: Because it's easier to spell than: UhhhhhoooohhAhhhhhhAIIEEEEEEEahahahahahohgoddon'tstopnowyou're SoogoodIcan'tstandthisanylongerohohohohohpleasenownownowyesyesyesyes Ohhhhhhhgawdyesssssssssssss

COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. THE MANAGEMENT

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 -16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside 'till we get back.

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