ImEasyAndCanBeHad fumarried to flyn2cu t...'s blog: "John's Blogs"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note onthe door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Last week was my birthday And I didn't feel very well Waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast Hoping my wife Faye would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", And possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids....They will remember. My kids, Willy and Robby came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, My secretary Sherri said, "Good Morning Joe, And by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , When Sherri knocked on my door And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Sherri, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro, in Pittsburgh, With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Sherri said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have In mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Sherri turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1907. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1907: ************************************ The average life expectancy was 47years. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the EiffelTower! The average wage in 1907 was 22cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year . A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME. Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.' Sugar cost fourcents a pound. Eggs were fourteencents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea Hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.'( Shocking? DUH! ) Eighteen percent of households had at least One full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A.! Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing It myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,& Canada Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH?

I was around 9 or 10 and we went to Florida on vacation. On the way home we stopped at Mammoth cave in Kentucky and went on a tour through the cave. Well about half way through we came to the bottomless pit which was a big hole in the ground and was roped off. Not far after the pit we had a rest area. When we got there dad was no where in sight. Needless to say my mom started freaking out and started yelling dad fell in the pit. People were staring at us like WTF? I was embarrassed and I tried to calm her down and told her he probably got bored and left. I finally had enough and said I am out of here to...she followed me all the way to the exit yelling at me and right before we reached the exit she said "if you don't stop I am telling your dad" and my response was " you can't tell him mom...remember he fell in the pit"...that shut her right up and when we got to the exit there he was. lol Hope you enjoy that story

My youngest daughter is 28 and has been a problem child since she was 18. She is a crack addict and her addiction lead to the death of my first grandchild. She had a great boyfriend until she was 18 but since then has hooked up with nothing but losers. These guys love to beat her up. She has stolen money and ID's from family and friends to support her habit and the 3 guys she has been with since she was 18 have all prostituted her out because they are to lazy to work. She should be doing time in prison for the things she has done but got lucky and just received probation. Now she is in trouble again...she went to work as a manager of a pizza shop for a friend of her mother. I just found out a few weeks ago she stole 15,000 from them in the few months she worked for them and is now on the run again. She had Elijah my grandson that died or was murdered as far as I am concerned with the first guy. 2 children with the 2nd and now she is pregnant again with the 3rd guy. All of these men are black and I am not prejudice by any means but I really wish she would get a guy no matter what color he is to treat her right. I love my grandchildren she has but she is not raising them right. When I get them they raise hell, cuss me and basicly do whatever they want and because of my anxiety disorder it is had for me to be around them. I do not have any current photos of them and that is why you don't see them in any of my pics. My daughter will not come around me now because she knows I would turn her in to the police. Does anyone else here have issues like that?

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

>She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and >suitcases. > On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. > On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful >dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and >feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. > When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a >few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the >curtain rods. > She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. > When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the >first few days. > Then slowly, the house began to smell. > They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. > Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. > Air fresheners were hung everywhere. > Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which >they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to >replace the expensive wool carpeting. > Nothing worked. > People stopped coming over to visit. > Repairmen refused to work in the house. > The maid quit. > Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. > A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could >not find a buyer for their stinky house. > Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return >their calls. > Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to >purchase a new place. > The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. > He told her the saga of the rotting house. > She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, >and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for >getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell >was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house was worth, >but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. > She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. > A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched >the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including >the curtain rods. > I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? :)

I will probably catch heck for this one but oh well LOL Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season . LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you. If you get: 0 Replies - you may need to work on your "people skills" 2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing 4 Replies - you have picked your friends well 6 Replies - you are downright popular 8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome (and that's probably why you're on MY list

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout , run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried! , dig until you find it When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.