AVSongbird's blog: "jenna's drabbles"

Current mood: lonely Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities Sally Owens: [Sally's letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

Current mood: determined It's so easy to forget yourself When the world rushes in. I found myself swept up in all of it, losing myself in it, forgetting myself in it. And now I've taken the step back, to take the time I need to find myself again I know what it is I want out of life. I always have, I just have the tendency to become wrapped up and losing sight of what it is I want, what it is I need. I'm going back to school, obviously, that's a given. The decision I face now is what to major in. Part of me wants to go for the R.N., while another part of me wants to take Psychology and go on towards my masters degree in it, because I've always loved listening to people, and learning about them, and the way the mind works on an emotional level has always fascinated me. I want to see my writing published, either through song or book, as I have since I was young. I want a home to call my own, a house with a big yard, huge dog, and lots of grass and trees to sit under. I someday soon want a man to share the rest of my life with. And I've always wanted to be a mom. What I need now, is just to set things in motion, which was what this break is over. I took a few days, and I wrote out a few lists and letters to myself, as I always have done, and put all of my priorities in order. I've gone through the whole spectrum of reasons and emotions, analyzing as always, and measured and weighed the value of everything in my life. Dont ask-- I won't tell you what they were. Sometimes there are just things you need to handle alone, and you don't feel the need to lay all the cards on the table, and air out your laundry for all the world to see. Those of you who know me best know that I never do anything without reason, my whole heart, and a helluva lot of thought.

Current mood: optimistic ..> The Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Current mood: calm Category: Life In my life, I've found that, when faced with a real crisis, the easiest way to deal with stress and/or fear is to stop where you are and let it have an unimpeded moment to rule you, to take over. Let it in, familiarize yourself with the feeling, saturate yourself in it, and give it time to pass. 5 minutes, 10. Then cast it aside and continue on. If you don't, it will lurk at the back of your mind through everything-- clouding your thoughts and subconsciously influencing your decisions, your every step. If you give the fear and stress the time and attention they deserve, you'll be done with them and move on, the whole situation easier to deal with as you come at it with new eyes, a clear mind and a cool head. With that taken care of, I've always sat down by myself late at night and made a list of what I had to do for each situation, numbering each item by level of importance, then looking at each item as a separate event, following through with each, then striking it out with a single line once each step was complete. I'm not saying it works for everyone-- I'm not that pompous or egomaniacal. I'm just saying it works for me.

know thyself Current mood: contemplative Category: Life Know thyself. You can't get anywhere in this world without it. Who are you? What drives you? What fuels you? What do you fear? What do you desire-- What do you NEED? What do YOU have to bring to the table? If you don't know yourself, how can anyone else ever hope to know you?

Current mood: disappointed Looking In Mariah carey You look at me and see the girl Who lives inside the golden world But don't believe That's all there is to see You'll never know the real me She smiles through a thousand tears And harbours adolescent fears She dreams of all That she can never be She wades in insecurity And hides herself inside of me Don't say she takes it all for granted I'm well aware of all I have Don't think that I am disenchanted Please understand It seems as though I've always been Somebody outside looking in Well, here I am for all of them to bleed But they can't take my heart from me And they can't bring me to my knees They'll never know the real me. ****** I remember the first time I heard this song, I cried. Saying any more than that on the subject would be digging too deeply inside, even for me.

Current mood: artistic Category: Life I love to drive at night.... radio low...window down... the wind playing through my hair, twisting it and blowing it caressingly across my face, my hand gripping the wheel gently, but with an underlying firmness as my eyes are everscanning the dark for any impending possibility of calamity in my moonswept surroundings. I love it. It gives me a chance to clear my head. Sometimes I upturn my hand and let it slip out through the open window, turning it palm downwards, then up again fluidly, enjoying the feel of the cool night air slipping like water across my fingers as my car sails on down the darkened street, caught only occasionally in a sudden burst of streetlamp in the otherwise ebony-tinted, slumbering desert landscape I've known most of my life. Sometimes I sing with the radio, sometimes not. Sometimes I listen to the cachophany of ideas and emotions whirling and raging around in my head, sometimes not. Sometimes... you just need to let go, and drive.

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also. But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did. My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was. We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends? The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us. She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did. By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year. Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends' report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks. As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out. My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world. Written by Bobbie Pingaro ©1967