Bree's blog: "It is what it is"

I smile as I slide the blade through my already bleeding flesh. Do I look insane to you? Fuck you. Let me enjoy this moment. This is my one luxury. I crave this pain. I watch as the blood puddles on the floor, such a beautiful red. The more it hurts, the more I am able to relax. This will only last a few moments and then I will be left with nothing but the scars, but for those few blissful minutes, all is okay in my world.

How did it come to this? How did my world just fall apart in a matter of moments? Everyone expects me to be okay...how can they not see the look in my eyes? How can they not see my pain? What right do they have to tell me to "suck it up"? Fuck them. My world is destroyed, completely, and they want me to be okay? I can't do this anymore...I won't do this anymore. You have no right to ask me to. Just let me go. Let me find my peace.

I sway to the melodic beat of the madness. It never leaves me. It is who I have become. I reach out to touch it, but it slips through my fingers. They come to me at night. I pray for the strength to make it 'til morning, for my release. I am caught in this nightmare, this never ending pain. I can hear them crying, wanting me to come to them. I run all over searching. I scream out their names. They cannot be found, but I hear them crying. I rock myself in the darkness of the night, praying they will find me. They never do. I do not know who is lost, them or me. This is my hell on earth. My children are crying, they need me, but their deaths have stopped me from finding them. I hear them crying! Please...I cannot find them! I hear my children and I am helpless.

I watched you walk away and I never said a word. I knew your end had come, and I still let you go. I told myself for such a long time that you would be fine. I hoped you would find a way to be fine. I sat there and kissed the tears out of your beautiful green eyes and thought I could make it all better. You held me with a strength that has yet to be matched... I doubt it ever will. You were the glue that held us together and you were the one that fell apart. Do you have any idea what it did to us to see you lying there covered in your life's blood and know there was nothing any of us could do? You made sure there was no turning back. Did you think about us? Did you think the pain of living would be harder on us than the pain of placing you in the cold ground? Did you know we all have a piece of your blood covered clothes, just to remind us that it can be carried too far? You taught me that sometimes there is just no more relief to be found, so how was this fair? Did you find what you so deeply craved? Did you find your peace? We lost ours when we lost you. Derick Lynn Stone 08-02-1979 to 03-24-2007

I see you standing there, my precious child, but they will not let me come to you. I see the tears falling from your face, and they will not let me near you. I cringe as I watch you rip into your flesh, and they will not let me help. I try to cover my eyes as you vomit out your life, and they still make me stay away. They called the day they found you hanging from the rope, now they let me through. They need me to bury you.

I have fought this for 16 years and I have lost. This has, finally, consumed me. This has become my source of strength. This now defines who I am. I know I am self-destructing. I know I am destroying myself, but I cannot stop. I am not even sure I want to stop anymore. Maybe this was always meant to be my fate, my destiny. I sometimes wonder if this is my way of trying to hold onto the person I once was. I barely remember that person anymore though. I think that part of me died a long time ago. This is my life now. This will keep me going, until it kills me.

They thought her favorite expression was, "I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff." It wasn't an expression at all, it was her warning. They found her laying on the ground, broken, bleeding, lifeless. Her once pretty face was covered in blood smeared tears. They never saw it coming. She was the happy one. She always had a smile on her face, and laughter in her voice. She was there when she was needed most. She was wearing a phony mask. She was not allowed to be the person she really was. She had to hide her real life. She was expected to be the innocent, when she was anything but. She felt she was left with no choice, but to finally step over the edge.

It's okay...I knew the answer before I asked the question. I guess I just wanted to hear what you would say. I'm silly that way. I will have no trouble getting over this. I will be able to move on. I cannot have my tomorrows more fucked up than my todays...and that is what you are. It is not worth the pain. It is not worth the anger. It is not worth the tears. It is okay.