Oldman's blog: "Install Husband"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate ..................................................................... Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support