elfy's blog: "I Owe My Mother"

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer. 5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape. 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. Thought for the day: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2005/Elastic_Baby.htm THIS IS TO FUNNY!!!!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college. And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

>>MY Private Part Died Today >> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. >> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. >> Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, >>"My Private Part died today and I am very sad." > Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, >>"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences. " >>The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his >>pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. > "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. >>Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, >>"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging >>out of your pajamas?" (You are going to love this !!!!!) "Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing!!!!!!."*

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." My mother taught me RELIGION. >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accid ent." My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.†My mother taught me about BEH AVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT="Times New Roman">. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."