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life

So.... 2 days ago know I let one of my darkest secrets out to my brothers girlfriend. Boy did that bring hell tears pain flashbacks and memories. Since these events I learned that my family feels I exgaerate (sp) blow everything out of porportion and that im fucked up in the head. Learning this really really hurt me and since this there has not been one word said to me even though i was told they want to talk about it. I have realized that I got so involved in so many different things so I cant think and be stuck with myself and what I went through. I thought I had coped and dealt with things but I only suppressed them through school, musicals, acting, singing, homework, and friends. I lost all of my friends through not known how much this was affecting me subconsicsly and cause me to smother ppl so much they left me. I fear lossing people and getting hurt so much that I want to be with them 24/7 or talk to them 24/7 and thats not healthy for them or me. The only realtionship i was in was very unhealthy and hurt me very badly which made things worse. I want love and to be loved and wanted it so purely and so much that that is all i would try to get and it didnt matter who the person was. I am pretty sure that I dont love myself or truely care about myself and thats why I put others before me and make others happy and do anything for them because I dont know how to do it for myself or im afraid to. Im unsure of how to do anything for myself that will make me turely happy. Lately the happiest I have been is when I get tattoos and thats about it. I have spent more of my life in pain and tears and fake happiness. I know when I look in pictures I see the sadness in my eye always even if there is a smile and that just hurts to know and see. I believe I subcionsily drive pepole away because of what I went through. I know that I have no self esstem what so ever and need to work on that as well. Im not ready for a realtionship with anyone. I see that now I thought it would make me happy but it wont and if i were to have a child that child would be in a posinius enviorment. I am unaware of how to be happy and healthy mentally and physically but I do know I cant suppress this any longer because it will hurt me and others even more. I have so much fear that I am stuck in my shell of hell. I keep falling further and further away from my faith. I have been through so much this year alone and feel that I cant handle much more. It also seemed like to me that everytime I was happy or starting to feel good about things it would go wrong. Maybe that was God leading me to this breaking point. However, I will never know. I am sorry for all of those I have hurt and caused pain. I truely loved and cared for all of you and didnt mean to spread my posion like I did. I was fully and completly unaware of it all. However, our relationships were posionus and maybe they will never be cured only God will know. Sorry if i repeated myself.
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