raisondetre17's blog: "HvOCKiSta"

SOmetimes, you really confuse me... I never know where i really stand with you, what you're really thinking- how you truly feel... i don't even know what's going on in your life, if you're really okay, or if it's all just a front. nevertheless, i really care about you. i truly do. and it really hurts for me to feel so helpless... i want to make you smile, make all the troubles go away for good, But i don't know what i can do to make you happy, i don't even know if i should do anything at all, or if i even have the right to... Still, whatever you want, whatever can make the dark clouds give way for bright blue skies in your life... okay, i'll do it... no matter what the consequence... no matter the cost. i'll do it willingly, without fear without regret... anything to see the smile that used to light up your face. the smile that had no trace of pain and suffering. of loss... i can see it in your eyes, every time i joke and try to make you laugh. it stabs right through my heart. the stonewall you've put up to hide the true you from all the world. the superman cape that serves to wipe away your tears when no one is looking... i want to be the one who wipes all those tears away, i want to be the shoulder you cry on, when you need someone to be strong for you.. i desperately want and need to be the one who comforts you in your fleeting moments of truth. moments when all pretensions crumble into dust and all that's left are the feelings you've tried so hard to hide... all that's nothing more that just a daydream, i know... it WILL NEVER happen. NEVER... you may think i'm crazy... and i may very well be. i've probably gone crazy long ago trying to forget you. all those years... the disappearing acts, cutting off all means of communication--- all so futile, so useless. Still here i am-- black and blue all over from missing you, kneeling right back at your feet. i'm still trying to break loose from the hold you have on me... But you're just like a scar that's been burned right through my soul... an addiction i'd die to live without but can't let go of--- i keep coming back.. crawling... a picture of utter helplessness, the perfect epitome of all hopeless hopes. you've changed a lot since i first fell in love with you 8 years ago. you know i've been there right from the very start, watching and waiting--- for you to need me. But you never noticed... the old _________ is already gone... all that's left of the girl i loved so much back then is a tiny fragment of her heart, just one last fragile shard. God knows just how much she's been through. i know nothing. i've done nothing. and i know very well that i don't own nor deserve to own that last piece of innocence, that last drop of purity left in her. Just One last broken piece Of her heart left... Good thing i've long accepted the fact that it will never be mine. yet, i suffer i just want her to be happy again. just like the good old times. i want to see her smile with the joy back in her eyes... to see the carefree innocence i held so sacred then and still cherish till now. God, why're you puttiing me through all of this? please help her. help me... forget... i beg you.. T_T

i sit in this wheelchair as if in trance, watching, contemplating, calculating, the shadows that trees and moonlight, partners in crime have thrown, cast, and chained upon these walls, the wind makes them seem like still pictures of prisoners heaving, breathing, suddenly coming to life… pictures of desertion, abandonement, the sad stillness that lurks in the the dark corners of the ancient cells whence they came from… And as they step into the light the rest of this fragile image melts into nothingness at the very first note of curses and screams, that headlights of passing traffic blare and echo into the night… this illusion, this delusion… it leaves me numb dumb stupefied… this darkness, this stillness, this screaming silence, engulfs me, eats me, and suffocates me… when will i be free? i sit still in the quiet darkness… alone… smiling… tears frantically running to reach their destination: the soiled bedroom floor that my face caressed with a thousand careless blows, and thousands more of frantic falls—– from this tower of useless power… alloy frame, race-car wheels, leather seat, rubber-duckie handles and all… i shake the shackles, of invisible metal that bind my hands and feet, trying to shake off this dire feeling of helplessness and defeat—– my grip on the armrest threatens to draw blood from cracking veins on my brow… i scream… i curse the shadows… i curse this imagined freedom from nurses, and needles, freedom from this flesh and limb-eating numbness. i curse this f****** wheelchair that confines and chains me, the very same moment they promise to take me places… the shadows… they come and go, they MOVE—– as i blindly type these lines immobility… + stilness = tranquility? wrong, very wrong… the sum is: LiViNG DEATH… get me out of this wheelchair, Quick!!! i want to play tag with the shadows… … final edit november 18, 2008 _______________________________

went to calatagan for a dip in the clear blue sea… thought it would be just a simple trip, one that would end in a thousand pictures taken— jelly-fish stings, bad-ass hang-overs and terribly roasted, sunburned skin… I was wrong… i can’t say exactly what happened that day, but somehow i realized, that in the same way i learned to let go of everything taken away from me— things and feelings that once were mine— it was due time that i learned to let go of something that was never there in the first place… to vanquish that tiny spark of hope my simple, cherished daydream would ever become reality… i have no regrets. i just hope that wherever Life takes me, i can still be there for her even if she doesn’t appreciate it… even if she doesn’t need me… and to my dear friend, if you ever get to read this… i guess this is the final goodbye to the 8-year affection i held on for you… Always take care sis… and may GOd bless you with the happiness you truly deserve… mamimiss po kita… LOve, Rhence…

life has never been better to me than in the last few weeks , but somehow i can’t help but feel something is missing TT i sure have gotten rid of all the trash in my life— the people i shouldn’t associate with, the bad habits, the hate and anger— and yet i have never felt so “empty” and lifeless… i guess i’ve just gotten so used to having terrible predicaments at every turn in my life, and now all that complexity is gone— I feel so void and well… bored. a “needs test” i took just this morning gave me a rating of 94 outta a hundred in the “change and Variety” division.. hell, this boredom sure is depressing… i need some sparring partners to keep my mind from collapsing into a useless Bored mass of brain goo. shit, life is still crappy without opponents to prey on, much less no issues to sharpen my wits and claws on damn.. the downside of a peaceful Life.. T__Tv if this continues, ‘d be creating hell just to tick away time…