Grey's blog: "Humor"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labour. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Reply: Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Furthermore, perhaps you should consider the following five reasons not to be a penis ... 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbours are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and... 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off. President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said... "I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluring to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don' t have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Wal-Mart announced that, on February 14, 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ... WALMART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

An Arizona lawmaker has introduced a bill to revise the state's statutes on organized crime and fraud by defining "domestic terrorism" in such a way that members of the Minuteman Project or other border-patrol groups could be prosecuted and forced to serve a minimum six-month jail term. Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, D-Phoenix, introduced HB 2286 in the Arizona House on Thursday. Sinema, formerly of the Green Party, had earlier submitted a bill asking the legislature to make changes to a law used to prosecute customers of immigrant smugglers as conspirators under Arizona's human trafficking law. Sinema is targeting border-security groups like the Minutemen with new legislation that would define anyone not formally affiliated with law enforcement, who patrolled in search of illegal activity while armed, as a domestic terrorist. If it becomes law, the bill would impose a mandatory minimum jail sentence, even if prosecutors recommend probation. HB 2286 reads: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sec. 2. Title 13, chapter 23, Arizona Revised Statutes, is amended by adding section 13-2320, to read: 13-2320. Domestic terrorism; classification A. An individual or group of individuals commits domestic terrorism if the individual or group of individuals are not affiliated with a local, state or federal law enforcement entity and associate with another individual or group of individuals as an organization, group, corporation or company for the purpose of patrolling to detect alleged illegal activity or to individually patrol for the purpose of detecting alleged illegal activity and if the individual or group of individuals is armed with a firearm or other weapon. B. Any city, town or county that suffers injury arising out of a violation of this section may maintain an action in superior court for the recovery of damages or for an injunction, or both. The court may award the successful party reasonable attorney fees. C. If the court sentences the defendant to a term of probation, the court shall order that as an initial condition of probation the defendant be imprisoned in the county jail for a period of not less than six months. This jail term of incarceration shall not be deferred, deleted or otherwise suspended and shall commence on the date of sentencing. This subsection does not apply to persons who are sentenced to serve a period of incarceration in the state department of corrections. D. A violation of this section is a class 5 felony. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A leader of the violent, terror-connected Latin American gang Mara Salvatruchas, Ebner Anivel Rivera-Paz, had reportedly issued orders from federal prison to members of his international criminal organization to teach a lesson to the group of Americans taking border control into their own hands. The Mara Salvatruchas, founded in Los Angeles, has become one of the most violent and widespread gangs throughout South America, the U.S. and even Canada. Many of its members and leaders have been deported from the U.S., but the group is said to be deeply involved in cross-border arms-running and drug-smuggling operations, according to U.S. law enforcement sources. Under Sinema's bill, volunteers who still want to assist law enforcement by being eyes and ears along the border will have to do so unarmed.

1. Add one capful of shampoo to the water in the toilet. Put both lids up. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.) 4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".) 5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.) 6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 7. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

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