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Joke 3

Obituary of Common Sense! Today, we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the Millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools; hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in from rain, the early bird gets the worm and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and new math. But his health declined when he became infected with the "if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal legislation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies; when reports were heard of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; when a teen was suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch; when a teacher was fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but couldn't inform the parent when a female student is pregnant or wants an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low-flow toilets, smart guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags. Finally, when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son Reason. His three stepbrothers survive him: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Joke 2

At a recent expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates Reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated :"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comment, General Motors issued a press release stating (By Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down, and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95", or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only drive on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General car default" Warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" Before going off. 10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out, and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, Turned the key, and grab hold of the Radio Antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary). Even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover GM would become a target of investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

Joke 1

man was pulled over for speeding down a highway; the officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license, and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away because of a DUI." The office surprised asked, "Do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I'm pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put my gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There's a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps towards the back of the car and say, "Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minute later another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly, and asks the man for his drivers license, and registration. The man says "Yes office it's right here" It all checked out so the officer said, "Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughed and says, "No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box?" He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I don't understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a drivers license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
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