1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy
5. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, lets say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father is?"
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Tennessee)
