I could go the easy way here, and talk about the already celebrated achievements of man. Neill Armstrong walking on the moon, Tiger Woods winning with one broken leg, Ron Jeremy banging 10,000 women looking like he does.
But no, I am talking about the greatest achievements of man, by people that I personally know.
1) Young MC (initials to protect the guilty), fresh from a breakup, walks to the beer gardens of the Tri County Fair in Mendota, living two blocks away. He then proceeds to drink away the next three hours, laughing with friends.
During this time, it has started raining, so eventually he decides to walk home. What can happen in two blocks.
Well, nature can call.
So he slips between two cars, and starts to relieve himself. Remember it was raining. Mike was wearing cowboy boots, which tend to be slick. Mendota has very shallow ditchs, being it a semi rural town, or parts of it. Rain, cowboy boots, gradual decline...thats right, his feet slip in mid piss, flying out in front of him, landing on his back. He then proceeds to urinate all over himself, too drunk to stop it.
2) Young MC, home from a night of debauchery, falls asleep downstairs in his room. He awakens to a rumbling in his stomach, rolls over, pukes on the wall, and falls back asleep.
Instead of cleaning it up, he proceeds to keep putting Lysol on it, dampening the smell, and keeping the area sterile. He sprays it almost daily.
6 months later, his mom moves his bed to clean behind it, and wonders what ate the hole in the drywall.
3) BH is set up on a date. His friend says this fine young lady is pretty, slutty, and energetic. So of course, BH, being my age, gets his hands on some Viagra, expecting a full night of hot, dirty sex, and wants to be sure he can keep up.
The girls call, his friends gf and the mystery girl, so he pops the little blue pill in preparation of a full night of loving.
His friend's girlfriend walks in whis mystery date. What's the odds of her knowing BH's first cousin, and him not knowing about it?
4) AN goes away to college. In High School, he was a dork, and rather uptight. He goes to SIU, and decides to pledge to a fraternity. He pledges, is accepted, and is bragging about how the connections he makes will last him a lifetime.
His first week he fraternity, starts out with an arrest by the campus police for public urination. That was Tuesday. Friday, after a few cocktails, him and his new brothers decide they want to see some girls they met. The only problem is that they live on the second floor of the dorms, and no boys are allowed after 11pm.
So they put their beer brains together, and decide that if one gets on the shoulders of the other, they'll be able to grab the bottom of the balcony, and pull themselves up.
Or, option two, the bottom guy can trip, with the other on top, and both can fall thru a plate glass window.
Disciplinary probation ensues.
5) DS finally proposes to his woman, and they set a date, a ring is bought, and they're planning the wedding. So money is tight as they start to put deposits on various things. He's expecting a $1500 bonus, and she has it spent.
A letter comes in the mail, from the fine state of IL, and she opens it, and its a bill for $150, because DS had driven his car thru the IPASS, with no IPASS thingy, and didnt pay the $1 online, so they fined him. They took pics of his liscense plate.
DS is in KY, for work, and gets a call from TN, his woman. She asks him if he ever took her car thru the IPASS, which of course, he denies. She askes him again if he's sure.
For the record, at this point he should have known something was up. But DS was/is a dork, with very little experience in relationships.
He denies it again. TN then proceeds to ask him then why do I have a bill from IPASS here for $$1260, for 63 IPASS violations, each with the picture of her liscense plate?
He is currently DJing the occasional wedding to make up his bonus.
Why are these great moments in Man? Easy, I was NOT involved in any of them. And I laugh every time I think about them.
