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skwarepeg's blog: "Mind Dust"

created on 03/15/2007  |  http://fubar.com/mind-dust/b64956
My biological mother, Terry, has lung cancer. She lives in another state, and most of our relationship is via telephone or e-mail. Here’s the thing…. She’s a little crazy. She eventually alienates everyone in her life. Mostly, I deal with her just fine because I don’t take anything personally or allow myself to be guilt-tripped or manipulated. I realize now that I was a little smug about my ability to deal with her, whereas nobody else could.

I will not subject you to my account of the myriad of attempted and successful emotional manipulations because, long-winded as I might be, I do have a tattered little “that’s not necessary information” filter. Tattered, yes, but present nonetheless. I do, however, find it necessary to say that you would be amazed and feel much sympathy for me, and admiration for my saintly patience. Well, maybe not the last part about patience (my store of it was completely depleted in September), but still.

The bottom line is that I haven’t talked to her since mid-October -- and not because of me. I have no idea what her health status is. Her cancer was staged at IIIB, I believe (that’s bad) and she wasn’t responding well to treatment, which she was doing begrudgingly anyway. So it’s time I call her. I can’t sit around waiting for her to attain some emotional maturity that has somehow eluded her for her entire life, because clearly it’s not coming. Yes, it would make it so that our relationship added more to my life instead of drained from it, but it’s not a realistic hope. Prior to the turbulence of the last year, I would have understood (and had compassion) that this “lack” is a handicap on her part, and not an indicator of her character. Now I can’t seem to care, and it just seems dramatic and annoying and often infuriating.

Contacting her will involve some eating crow, which I don’t usually mind, UNLESS IT’S NOT MY CROW! ;) As difficult as she is to deal with, I do have a connection of some kind to her, and I don’t want our relationship to end this way, which is what it will do if I don’t contact her. So that’s what I choose to focus on, rather than my pride or desire for her to recognize that I’m right. LOL!

I’m not ready to do it, and just now starting to think that it’s what I need/want to do. And I will do it. I’m just not very excited about it. :P

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