Sometimes I just feel messed up.
Like I'm cracking, gonna fall apart.
I can actually envision my skin cracking and nothing but shadow within.
But I get that way sometimes.
It's one of the reasons I hate looking back at the past.
There are so many things that haunt me, even as I try to live with no regrets. But it's awfully hard.
So far I've had sex with 8 women now.
That's a damn lot when you get right down to it. It's so little, but so much. The first two were merely experimental, too. I just wanted to see how long I could go at a time. I was quite happy with almost meeting the two hour mark, by the way. I was just 13 minutes away.
But I still regret 3 out of the 8 women I've had sex with, and that sucks.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a whore. I feel so dirty and I can't get clean. I do that whole shower of shame thing, but without my clothes on. Usually I come to my senses and finish cleaning off. Today, not so much. I just washed up and got out, still feeling miserable.
I use friends and flirtations to help me cope, but it's hardly a good mechanism. Music really helps distract me. I don't focus on my depression or else I stay that way.
In the end, I realize that I just get really depressed sometimes. It's not something I can help, and I don't want to take drugs for it. I'm not suicidal, though sometimes I feel like dying. I'm not so selfish that I would ever commit to such a tragic act. And not THAT melodramatic, even though I am an attention whore.
It's the price I pay for being happy almost all the time. I have one time where I'm not happy.
