DJ Devine RL Wife of DJ Texas Tornado's blog: "Giddies"

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were. -Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. -You use 200 muscles to take one step. -The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. -Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three. -A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. -A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. -It takes the food seven seconds to get from y our mouth to your stomach. -The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. -Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. -At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. -There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. -Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. -The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. -When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. -Your thumb is the same length of your nose. Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you!!!

(Oldie but goodie) An old man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says: 'Do you have any sales experience?' The guy says: 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota .' Well, the boss liked the guy and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did.' His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?' The guy says: 'One'.. The boss says: 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The guy says: '$101,237.65'. The boss says: '$101,237.65....what the heck did you sell?' The guy says: 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition.' The boss said: 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?' The guy said: 'No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot.....you should go fishing.'

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you... ļ Glad you asked????

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.' She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this... Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! ( %& (# %) (*#*)!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no long e r drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day.... Oh, by the way..... A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.