Body: ~*SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR EMAILS*~
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
These products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
Microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping
malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's
toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
The parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician..
...Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way..... A South American scientist from Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Have a nice day!