The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short... I bought the device and brought it home, loaded 2 AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't
be all that bad with just 2 AAA batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (just for a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat.
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself, I wanted
some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant;
a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control;
a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. All the
while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than and
inch and a half
in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 2 itsy-bitsy AAA
batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say,
"don't do it master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from a tiny little
thing couldn't hurt that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with
my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do
it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution:
there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about
on the floor. SON-OF-A-...that hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure), I collected my wits (the little I
had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for
my testicles....and offering a significant reward for their safe return.
