Lucky Mija's blog: "Fuck This Shit!!"

For some unknown apparent reason I find myself doubting and questioning the things of my life. I have everything a girl could want--amazing friends, a chance for an amazing future if I play the cards right and family in ways I never knew existed. Yet looking over the span of my current life I am finding myself discontent and envious of those who have "the life". I want to be the First, Not the Second. Getting the possibility dangled before my eyes doesn't help. Going out of the way to get shit done for someone else with no reward or care that I did it. Yeah I am loved, Yeah I am respected, Yeah I am wanted. Yet somehow its not enough. Maybe its cuz I can look in the mirror and see less than I deserve around me. Who knows. Im just being dramatic and bummed out. I want what I cant fucking have and I have what I don't fucking want. Its time for a disappearing act. Its time for relocation and to go walk in the surf where life makes sense and life is all I want it to be. I need to get away and recharge and reconnect. Months separated is taking its toll and I need to reinforce what I am doing and what it all means. Sorry not much of this makes sense but then again when it involves love it usually doesnt. I just need to stay away and life will go back to making sense and happy. LoL Or at least I can fucking hope... I am just wishing things were different......

Lately I have thought of so many past relationships, both friendly and romantic. I have tried to sort out what ones were real and which were more just me. At the forefront is of course Robin. My best friend, the keeper of secrets, and the other half of my heart beat. Its going on 13 damn wonderful and trying years loving that woman. Loving with out it getting given back, at least to the capacity I would like to have been. She forever states that "he" is all she has left. Kinda sounds like I don't matter huh? Wrong. "He" is an outside force she needs in her life. I am an internal one for her as much as she is for me. We are just as much apart of eachother as our children are apart of us. She knows that I will never leave her even during our months of silence and separation. Second would have to be Jeremy. That man has taught me the most about what I am able to achieve and what I am able to destroy. He was my strength, my husband, my safety net when I was falling. He was also the means to my self destruction, the backing for my meth addiction and my self serving reason for doing it. Never is there a day that goes by that I don't wonder what could happen if I had become a different person or if he had been a different person. Never have I doubted his love for me nor my love for him but I realize in equal doses the hate lives too. He was everything to me. The father of my son, my only family and the constant presence when everything else faded. Between us there are many regrets and shattered lives but I doubt I would go back to ever change them. I am sorry for not being truer to the vows I made almost 4 years ago when I married him. Maybe I could have saved us both from our demons. Next would be Robert. Father of my girls and the one person I could never have. Every moment I ever shared with him was stolen from someone else. Every kiss, every laugh, every I love you. I hurt a person who didn't deserve a single thing that happened to them. They did nothing but support and care for me and even mourn my children. She tells her own sons of my Ivy, of her strength and her life no matter how short. So really I think I don't think of Robert and my relationship but of her. Of the selfishness that has cost us all more than we would ever be able to admit. Denial is easier to swallow than the truth sometimes. I should have let whatever was between us die a long time ago.. Ivy ultimately died in the end and that secret would have died with her. I should have stayed gone. Its all over now anyway. Its been weeks since I talked to him even. Ironic huh? I am so sorry for all the pain I caused and the trust I broke between us all. There's Shaggy too. He is like my guardian. Forever worried about me and the choices I make. Forever saving me from the jams I get into and forever a source of constant aggravation and support. If not for him I doubt I would have survived this last year. I became his project, a broken soul and dysfunctional girl. So far 15 months later I am a patch work quilt of a soul and still the ever dysfunctional girl. And he is still trying to save and fix me. I have drifted away from him these last few months for reasons I don't understand mostly cuz I cant come up with one.It just happened. But I know at days end he will be one of the few people in my corner and I forever have a place to go home to when the world threatens to break me again. Then there is the large scale friends. People who I hurt or offend not ever trying to or meaning to. The friendships that I flutter against and weave in and out of with little to no regard for the effect I may have. Not because I don't care about my friends but because honestly I lack the empathic and sympathetic nature to have compassion and I speak or act before I think of the cost. I suck as a friend and I try to give the disclaimer that I am a cunt and I generally don't care about most things at the fore front of my friendships. I am blunt and I really don't care what people think in the end. Those who love me and know me know that I would die for my friends as most are my family, but that I generally lack tact and proper social skills. Finally there is my current relationship blooming. One that is intoxicating and emptying all at the same time. It is everything I want and nothing that I need and all that could fill the empty parts. But fears have crept in so far that I find myself not trusting in myself or the ability that this will work. I fear the separation and growing weariness will swallow it whole and take it away before we have the chance to make it everything it could be. We are well suited and just...well...work. I am infatuated and utterly smitten. One look in those eyes and I was gone. Completely swallowed into a abyss that I don't want to ever escape from. All in all I have decided all my relationships are real and true. The various points may or may not be completely accurate but I am allowed my own self disillusions at times. I at least am making the effort to assess my damage and manage my actions as to prevent further ruining of my life and the people in it. Maybe just maybe all that I have love and lost and the lessons learned will be enough to save this relationship and make it stronger and lasting. Who knows. Only time will tell.

I have had am interesting life to date as those of you who know me know, but today it seems differently happy. For years I searched for what was thought to have been both nightmare and dream come true and at last believe I have found what I had lost. I found a place of comfort and a place where my chaotic insanity is safe to reign free---just like the Demons intended. A place where I am understood and kept with in the darkest light I have ever known. Here I dont have to hide or lie or attempt to be what I am not. In this place I am free to indulge my dilusions and reviel in my own darkness. I can celebrate my faiths and deny my beliefs. I am weak and helpless but to submit to that which is more than myself and yet equal still. Years and years of being with out have left me in the same place where everything once began. So many twists in my Yellow Brick Road..................

My Emily is fighting for her life.I already know my fate--cancer is killing me.Cancer shouldnt kill her.She doesnt deserve the fate I condemned her to.She isnt even 7years old. Why the fuck would some God...Any fucking damed God make a mother who is dying watch her child die? I would trade places in a heartbeat to ensure she was ok. She is all that is left good of me. Trust me if you dont know me she is the best and only good of me. Please send your prayers, good intentions and hope towards her.Both me and her need your support to get through this night...To get through this life......Please.

For whatever reason I have the renewed joy and beliefs I had prior to my latest..umm...afflictions as of present. I have everything I could honestly want or need currently in my life with out the much annoying existence of those in my life that I have had in the resent months. I am ridding myself of what is unneeded and gathering only what I want and is good to my world. While yes, submission is needed in my life but for once its not my submission that will be warranted. Im a switch and suddenly that prospect is highly amusing me. I know my own worth and there are those in my life who do too. Those who have failed to realize it are ignorant and I cant blame them for that, after all I do make it difficult for most people to like me much less trust me.However I am finding the plotting and planning I have done today amusing beyond measure because I stand to gain far far more than those who have casted me aside, both lovers and foe alike. And they will be the one begging in the end. Im done being at the feet of others--Now they all get to watch me walk away....

That I should likely be more paranoid of those who are paranoid of me.LoL I mean to a degree I am used to the normal baiting and hooking that most people do with me in attempts to either pull one over on me or get the upper hand.But when its done in a way that I realize what is being done and what the angle its kinda pointless. At that point Im clued in to the other person and thus put up my guard simply because if there is some reason a person doesnt trust me or thinks Im up to something then its very likely that they themselves are.Granted Im not gonna lie--90% of my life I usually have an agenda and I rarely care what or who gets in my way as long as in the end I am happy--Blame my fathers encouraging my Daddy's Girl mentality, thus inducing the self serving nature I tend to have. Granted, however, in some situations I really dont have agendas and do feel remorse or at the very least sympathy for people who dont deserve the nasty shit that happens to them.Yet it is usually that sympathy or remorse that leads to the other persons paranoid intent and their steadfast belief I am out to get them.If I didn't show sympathy I am beginning to believe people would trust me more simply because they would expect me to be a self serving bitch and know that 90% of the time I only care for my own amusement thus no angle just me simply being me.LoL Funny how that works--When I am actually not doing anything vindictive or malicious is when people trust me the least and are paranoid instead of when they really should be paranoid and worried cuz I am actively attempting to seek my own amusements despite the harm it may do to another person. People are stupid.

SO yeah after my girlfriend being a stupid bitch, my exhusband stating his undying love for me again and trying to stop our divorce from being finalized again, along with what I was dealing with concerning various other relationships I am involved in and destroying apparently Ive decided to take a break!! WOOT!! Being submissive to people hasnt gotten me what I both need and want so Im going to put my damn ass in neutral and see what happens. Im just gonna chill and let those who want me around bring me back around and quit trying to prove to people that I desire their presence in my life.Which this is a massively insanely hard thing to do because I normally beg and plead my case and turn utterly pathetic in the attempts to find my salvations and securities. But for some apparent reason I am thinking that action wont get me any reactions so Im letting what will be.Every part of me is screaming for them to take me back but I also know tightening around my throat has gotten tighter the less I have tried to throw myself at the mercy.Apparently maybe for once this is a problem not solved by submission or dominance but finding peace of mind and contentment in neither action---indifference may prove to be my salvation.

Written a few weeks ago: I had this dream that haunts my sleep as of recent. I am at my own funeral and no one outside a few remnants of friends are there. Most belived that it wasn't worth thier time to see me off one final time. I begin screaming so loud that I hope it goes through the veil between the world their in and the one I am trapped with in alone. I hope its something they hear in their dreams and haunts them...... But suddenly I am shook awake. These arms wrap around me and a voice whispers "Its ok, shhh, I got you." These arm are warm and inviting. There is love with in the words this voice speaks. There is a knowing that these arms can protect me from the darkness that invades my being. As I nestle close to this body the arms hold me tight until my sobs fade. Thinking my comfort will leave me soon, I am shocked to find those arms still holding close. To still hear the voice soothing my soul. This body engulfs my small frame, in comparison to its own. I know that as long as these arms hold me nothing of this world or of my broken mind can ever hurt me. I am safe.... Sadly though, these arms holding me, this body warm next to mine, and this that chased away my fears are only an illusion. A simple dream for a being lost and broken. This protector is only momentary, it will never love me or be there forever. This realization forces me back to reality, and makes me watch this body turn into a whips of a fading dream. Though it may linger next to me for days to come, these days are limited and its a fact I must confront. No arms protect me, no voice soothes me, no body is warm next to me and regretfully, no being loves me. This momentary paradise is simply a hopeful dream in my broken mind.... For dreams for me are just an illusion.

Some people say life isnt something to fear, only death is. For me death isnt something I worry too much about. Its what leading up to death that I fear. Life is the hard part, learning to accept what is, fixing what you can and praying you just make it. In this life I have had pain, hurt, abuse of many forms-some self inflicted, joys, sorrows and defeats with a few victories. I put on this face that life is ok and that I am happy. In truth, life isn't ok and I am not very happy. I am alone. My heart is in a million pieces and I don't think I have any super glue to fix it. I lost the man I loved. He walks with another for reasons both known and unknown to any of us. I hope and pray for the ability to learn to live again with out him and find some one new someday. The few chances I have in this life to make amends are high on my list to fix the karma I have given myself. There are so many people I took for granted and broke. Some of them I have been blessed to have back in my life, others I pushed past the point of no return. I have few things I am proud of, millions of things I am ashamed of, and too many things I wish I regreted. But regret is something lost in me, everything has brought me to this moment and no amount of regret is worth not being who I have become regardless of what I have been. Being happy is something I also am not sure of how to get. The things I have now that bring me joy are also the things that bring me pain, mostly cuz I am only getting those things on loan for awhile so to speak. Happiness is bittersweet, and all too tempting to try and forget it. Alone to wander in my own void of soul and human emotion, I have concluded this: I am lost. I will always remember who I am, who I was and those in my life that make me everything I will later. I may or may not be a good person in the end, but I hope at my final curtain call, I won't be banished to the empty places of my own mind.

Chaos running within my head A future found to once be dead. Awaiting orders, in place and time, The Gods of Old, children forever mime. We rebirth a nation forth, To the skies, Stars of North. Beauty kept in Passions Keep. In devoted rest pilgrims sleep. Upon their steeds our Angels soar, For she has birthed the key to Ancient Door. Hail! My kinsmen, loud and clear- Our God of Gods, to us draws near. His fury deep in his eyes, His vengeance will reign till Betrayer dies. The Faithless paid a mighty cost- Behold! From the Halls of Our Fathers—Born are the Druids lost!