EmpressOfDarkness's blog: "For my mom"

It's been almost 3 months since my mom passed away. Everything has changed. Dad's moved in with my sister, mom's stuff is all gone to everywhere. My younger sister is moving out of the city and dad's going too. My older sister lives out in the country, the opposite way. Things seemed so much simpler growing up. Knowing there'd always be home. I don't know what to do with myself half the time. 

I'd pick up the phone to call mom for some stupid thing and try to annoy my dad with something but it's not the same. There's this hole inside and I don't know how to fix it. I'm supposed to know how to fix things. When the weather turns, I'd call her and we'd talk about whether it was doing something at her end or vice versa. When it snowed I knew she'd be the first one going out in bare feet (hey I never said she was sane) loving every second of the cold. 

I have tried to make sense of it, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to make sense. 

I went to the park the other day with Mack after school. Sitting in my chair while she played, I looked over by the fence who did I see? Mom! I freaked, raced over to see her. I looked back to make sure Mack was ok and when I looked back, poof! Gone! I looked around, nothing. 

How do you come to terms with losing a parent? I realize there are a lot worse things out there but when do you come to a place where you say, "ok, they're gone. and move on..." The days pass, it's 2 weeks into the new school year, every morning I miss the morning phone call that her and I had. I miss her making me insane, laughing. People keep saying, she's not really gone, she's still in your heart. I know that's true but cripes... I wasn't ready for this. Why the hell did the doctors not tell us how serious this surgery was before she went in. Why did they say "if anything happens, we'll call you."  They said mom knew how serious it was. Why didn't she tell us? Why didn't she want us there? 

Am I ever going to stop being angry over this?

The 28th will be 2 months since mom passed. I don't know what's wrong with me. Half the time I seem to be alright, the other half I feel like I'm in some horrible B-Movie flick. The dreams are the worst. Last night I dreamed that I went to my mom and dad's apartment (he just moved from there on Sunday) and when I walked in she was sitting at the table. She smiled at me and I felt like my heart was going to explode from my chest. I didn't know what was going on. 

I looked from my dad to my mom and waited for an explaination. My dad said, they made a mistake, mom didn't die. She's fine. They were able to save her. They didn't want to give us false hope until they knew for sure she was going to be ok. Instead they made us think she had died. In the dream, I was livid. I was so angry. It made no sense. Why would he have gone through everything we had gone through if that were true. 

Then I looked around the apartment. There were boxes everywhere. They were moving and hadn't planned on telling anyone. They said they couldn't stay because everyone thought mom was gone. So they were moving to begin over. I wanted to ask my mom what she was thinking but she just said that she loved me and it'll all work out, I wasn't to worry. Me not worrying would be easier to say global warming was going to end immediately. 

Then I woke up. 

For as long as I can remember you were there. My earliest memory was of when I had a nightmare and went in to wake you up, I was about 4. I ran from your room, into the bathroom crying hysterically. You came into to find me and asked me what was wrong. I turned to you, with tears streaming down my face and cried, "I saw your bum!"

You laughed as you replied, "Well yes, I have a bum, the same as you. It's not like you've not seen it before. You've come in when I have been in the bathroom."

"Yeah, but I saw the whole thing!" What did a 4 year old know about a parents body? It was traumatizing. Not to mention killer on your sex life apparently. 

Years later when I reminded you of that story, we had a big laugh over it. There were so many things that happened that I could call to my memory in an instant that would remind me of how we'd laugh (the water fights in the basement, or the wheelchair races you'd try to stop in the basement. Even the time for Andie's 16th party when we put the 3 cases of coke inside the freezer instead of beside it.) 

You would always call me up for silly things, like if it was raining (what was with that anyway?) did you just want to talk? Now when it rains I go to pick up the phone and call you, only to remember that you won't pick up on the other end. When I came home from the pool yesterday with the kids, after all the fun we had, I wanted to call you and tell you about it. Then I remembered... you're not there. I remember how when I got married, I had you and dad walk me down the aisle because I wanted you to be a part of it. How beautiful you looked that day. How proud I was that you stood up with me, in spite of the fact that you didn't want me to marry him. You kept your concerns and fears to yourself on that day because you wanted me to be happy. Yet, when my marriage ended a year later, you stood by me again and I didn't have to question it. You were just there. 

Through all the good times and especially the bad, you were there. You made me laugh and cry, frustrated me to no end. At times it would tick me off because I would realize something that you had told me would wind up being right. You usually were. I hated that growing up, then when I became a mother, I looked forward to being able to 'be right' with my kids. 

Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. It won't hurt as much. It hurts like a B****! Seeing you that way, it was so wrong. When I talked to the coroner today, she told me that there was nothing that could have been done. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't the doctors fault. It was no one's fault. I'm just supposed to accept that somehow and move on. How the hell am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to go visit dad and be ok walking into that house again knowing you will never be there? I am supposed to just accept this and let go. I'm supposed to let go of the pain and let you rest. 

This is BULL! I don't know how to do that. How am I supposed to let go of the person who saved my sanity on more that one occasion. How am I supposed to say goodbye to the woman who was the first person to make me not feel like a failure. I can't. 

I was told that writing to you would help. It's not. It just makes me more mad that I don't get to hug you and call you to sing Lionel Richie off key whenever I want to. You were my best friend and I am not ok that you're gone. 

My mother passed away on June 28th 2011. It was sudden and most definitely not expected. I'm angry, hurt and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

I wrote this tonight for her. I'm not worried about the flow. This is what I'm feeling, and the best way I could express it. 

MOM