bandit's blog: "firemans girl"

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God. ' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

64 WAYS TO PISS OFF A COP 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 7. Touch him. (THIS IS A SURE FIRE WAY TO GET YOUR ASS A BEAT DOWN..The Shield way, BUT GO AHEAD AND TRY IT) 8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 10. Refer to him by his first name. or call him farva... i get away with this one all the time 11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 12. When he says no, cry. 13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. (try this one, but get ready to press hard five copies) 15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood, and start banging your head on your hood. (this only works in garland) 16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way, but for the right price.... 17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers, or just suck the ink off your fingers in a sexy way... 19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "bad boys,bad boys, what you gonna do when we come for you" 23. Trip and fall into him. 24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 26. Chew on the pen, nervously. 27. Clean your ear with the pen. 28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....(try it... and you can't count on your trip to jail having alot of brake checks!!!) 30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 31. Act like you are retarded. 32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 33. Mumble to yourself. 34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... carnegie cops 36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 38. Ask if he watches COPS. Then tell him/her you were on episode 155. you know the drunk with no shirt... tell them that was you... 39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. They may say "Nope, but I watch THE SHIELD!" 40. If he says he watched the shield be scared, be very scared... 41. Talk to your hand. 42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 46. Try to sell him your car. 47. Ask if you can buy his car. 48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 49. Play with the siren. 50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. (again another way to get a beat down, The Shield way) 51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner 52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. 53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. (this will get you tazed so go ahead and try it!) 57. Turn your head and whistle. 58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. (he will beat your ass with it, The Shield way) 59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 62. Tell him you like men in uniform. 63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party (this only works if your a dallas cowboy and live in irving..) 64. WHEN THE OFFICER APPROCHES YOUR CAR.. ASK HIM WHERE THE OTHER VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE

A Fireman's Little Girl ? I am very dedicated to my work. I wear firefighter shirts every day, even when I'm not on duty. The fire department is my second home, and my second family. It often seems as if my life revolves around the fire department, but it means nothing compared to my little girl. I am normally a very friendly person, but if you hurt my little girl you will make me mad. I know my little girl is growing up, even if I don't like it. She seems to like you, so I'll tolerate you dating her, but here are a few things for you to think about while you're with her: First of all, I go into burning buildings to save people that I've never even seen before, you can't imagine how protective I am of my little girl. I once broke a man--s sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that's how I help people what do you think I do when I'm pissed off? I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson, so I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started... and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft? I've worked more car accidents than you--ll ever see, the sight of blood doesn't bother me one little bit. It's normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car..touch my little girl and me and you take a little ride. When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets. I use the jaws of life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws. Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming. Most of my friends are cops, paramedics, or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad who do you think you're going to call for help? I have access to explosives. I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (remember all the sharp tools?) Even though my little girl insists that you are a --nice guy-- and not like most other guys, I know better. I was once your age, I know EXACTLY what you--re thinking. Because of that I already have plenty of reasons to not like you. It wouldn't take much at all to push me over the edge, and I just sharpened my axe. So if you want to date my little girl you better keep these things in mind. Fireman are protective by nature, and there is nothing we are more protective of than our little girls. Whenever you're alone with her, you better remember that someday you may be alone with me!