I got a text today from someone I didn't want to hear from. The kind of text that makes you feel sick to your stomach, sad, angry and frustrated. All it said was "Do you miss me" but that simple fucking text brought so many emotions to the table.
Emotions I have pushed back because I'm not strong enough to deal with them alone. I wanted to scream at my phone No, I don't miss you. I fucking miss my sanity. I miss feeling like I was someone worthwhile and important to someone. I missed the fact that you were an abuser. Nothing hurts more then knowing you gave someone your heart, only for them to crush it.
No one knows how much I sarificed to be with that man or how I loved him unconditionally just for him to use all my inner most private deep dark secrets againist me. Or how much it hurt to hear the voicemails he left me telling me that I'm worthless, that I'll always be worthless, that I'm about shit, how I was never shit to anyone and how I meant shit to him. Hell, there was time he threatned to kill me. Now you probably are wondering what I did to this man to make him spew such hatred at me.
Here's the thing, all I did was love him. I went to work, came home, cleaned, cooked, did whatever I could for us, only to have him tear my heart out and curb stomp it. What's worse is he was "playing" games with girls online, and on the cell phone I bought for him and paid the bill for. A huge slap in the face because I've never done anything like that for anyone before. I put my fucking credit on the line for a man who didn't give two fucks if I lived or died.
Between him and another guy I cared deeply for I have severe trust issues. And I'm not sure if I'll ever recover from them and be able to trust another man with my heart. I think I will always feel like a guy is running game on me. I will always feel like I'm not important enough, that there will always be another girl on the side. It's because of all this that I push people away who get to close because I'm afraid.
I do not want to be hurt again. I do not want to invest emotions, my heart, my soul into someone who is just "using" me to feed their ego or see what they can get out of me. I have nothing left folks. I'm a empty shell of who I use to be. Sure you see a pretty face, but it stops there. I am nothing more. My heart is in pieces. Some days I just cry because it's the only way to let the pain out.
There is so many guys who come at me but I shy away. Why me? Why come at me? What the fuck do you see? What good am I? Why not some other girl? Then I get all the reasons why me but I cannot believe them. I've heard them before. I just want one man to prove to me he's not like the rest. One who wants to take the time to know the real me, and could love me as I am. One who will be there no matter what, and would do whatever to tear down the wall I've built up. I want a man who is real, and knows what love is truly about. A man who could love the packaged deal that I have going on. To treat me, and my kids with the upmost love and respect.
But even if he finds me, or if I find him I probably won't believe him. I will push him away or just run away from him because it's better to do that then be hurt by another guy again. It's a vicious cycle. I want love, I crave to be loved and to love someone but yet I'm too afraid to love because I don't want to be hurt again. I just want off this rollercoaster as I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to be me again, I want to feel normal and not so fucked up. Anyway, enough said. Thanks for reading my blog. ((hugs))
