Me and My Shadow

POEM FOR MOM

2008-05-04T20:08:03-07:00

My son came home from school one day, With a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, To put me in my place. 'Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The 'Children's Bill of Rights.' It says I need not clean my room, Don't have to cut my hair No one can tell me what to think, Or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion, And regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, And I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, An d pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, Get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use, Not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals, Like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights, So you can't influence me, Or I'll call Children's Services Division, Better known as C.S.D.' Mom's Reply and Thoughts Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson Made me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro. Next day I took him shopping At the local Goodwill Store.. I told him, 'Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.D .. Who said they didn't care If I bought you K-Mart shoes Instead of those Nike Airs. I've canceled that appointment To take your driver's test. The C.S.D. Is unconcerned So I'll decide what's best. ' I said 'No time to stop and eat, Or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn To make your own sack lunch. Just save the raging appetite, And wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, A favorite dish of mine.' He asked 'Can I please rent a movie, To watch on my V CR?' 'Sorry, but I sold your TV, For new tires on my car. I also rented out your room, You'll take the couch instead. The C .S.D. Requires Just a roof over your head. Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, Will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski, Dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights', It's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying, Why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, Instead of C.S.D..?'

I NEVER COULD READ SHEET MUSIC TILL NOW

2008-04-03T01:02:23-07:00

DON'T PICK AN OLD MAN

2008-03-26T04:49:38-07:00

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. As John Steinbeck once said: 1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. 2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. 4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. 5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him "Why do you carry a 45?" The Ranger responded, "Because they don't make a .46." 6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle." 8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

TOO FUNNY

2008-03-26T04:47:26-07:00

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Look down, not scroll down.

A MUST SEE

2008-03-21T14:35:09-07:00

This is one of the best presentations of life in the 60s that I've seen. Turn up the volume. Now if you were there you know you don't remember so you better watch. :-) COPY AND PASTE http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

THIS WAS SENT TO ME IN AN E-MAIL AND IT IS SO TRUE

2008-02-06T12:49:41-08:00

"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they? And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?..Well, I don't. I don't care at all. I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .. I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights. In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care. When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured: I don't care. When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I don't care. When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, starts complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care. And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and-you guessed it-I don't care !! If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add: "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem" -- Ronald Reagan I have another quote that I would like to add AND......I hope you forward all this. "If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Also by.. Ronald Reagan One last thought for the day: In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America , he said: "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in.. And how many want out." Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN BOTH OF THEM. AMEN!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN

2008-02-03T06:14:16-08:00

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you." "Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also," the mother said. "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

You Gotta Give Up the Daisy Dukes.......................

2008-02-03T06:07:33-08:00

Hey, Someone took a picture of you this past weekend when you weren't looking!! AT SOME POINT YOU GOTTA GIVE UP THE 'DAISY DUKES' ... SENIOR DRESS CODE Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided : 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedos and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least...my personal favorite 13. Thongs and Depends --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depressed; Overworked; Job Suck; Unappreciated

2008-02-01T04:29:09-08:00

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out! ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. ' BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

AMERICA DEFENDS ITSELF...A FEW GREAT COMEBACKS

2008-01-29T05:11:49-08:00

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return. It became very quiet in the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~ Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' Once again, dead silence . ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French? Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German. You could have heard a pin drop ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE. A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible! Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France ! ' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.' .