The Cat's Jokes

A very good life lesson!

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 05:18:19 -0700

‎"We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her - and a man who compliments her. A man who spends money on her - and a man who invests in her. A man who views her as property - and a man who views her properly. A man who lusts after her - and a man who loves her. A man who believes he is God's gift to women - and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man...And then teach our boys to be that kind of a man."

Alphabet Love

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 13:00:13 -0700

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better

Does it matter now???

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 05:24:47 -0700

WHEN Obama wrote a book and said he was mentored as a youth by Frank (Frank Marshall Davis) an avowed Communist, people said it didn't matter.�

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WHEN it was discovered that his grandparents were strong socialists who sent Obama's mother to a socialist school where she was introduced to Frank Marshall Davis. He was later introduced to young Barrack Hussein Obama. People said it didn't matter.

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WHEN people found out that Barrack Hussein Obama was enrolled as a Muslim child in school and his father and stepfather were both Muslims, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he wrote in another book he authored "I will stand with them (Muslims) should the political winds shift in an ugly direction" people said it didn't matter..

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WHEN he admittedly, in his book, said he chose Marxist friends and professors in college-- people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he traveled to Pakistan after college on an unknown national passport, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he sought the endorsement of the Marxist Party in 1996 as he ran for the Illinois Senate, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he sat in a Chicago Church for twenty years and listened to a preacher spew hatred for America and preach black liberation theology, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN an independent Washington organization, that tracks Senate voting records, gave him the distinctive title as the "most liberal senator," people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN the Palestinians in Gaza set up a fund raising telethon to raise money for his election campaign, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN his voting record supported gun control, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he refused to disclose who donated money to his election campaign, as other candidates had done, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he received endorsements from people like Louis Farrakhan and Mummar Kadaffi and Hugo Chavez, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN it was pointed out that he was a total newcomer and had absolutely no experience at anything except community organizing, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he chose friends and acquaintances such as Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn who were revolutionary radicals, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN his voting record in the Illinois senate and in the U.S. Senate came into question, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he refused to wear a flag lapel pin, and did so only after a public outcry, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN people started treating him as a Messiah and children in schools were taught to sing his praises, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he stood with his hands over his groin area for the playing of the National Anthem and Pledge of Allegiance, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he surrounded himself in the White house with advisors who were pro-gun control, pro- abortion, pro-homosexual marriage and wanting to curtail freedom of speech to silence the opposition people said it didn't matter..

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WHEN he aired his views on abortion, homosexuality and a host of other issues, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he said he favors sex education in Kindergarten, including homosexual indoctrination, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN his personal background was either scrubbed or hidden and nothing could be found about him, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN the place of his birth was called into question, and he refused to produce a birth certificate, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he had an association in Chicago with Tony Rezco--a man of questionable character and who is now in prison and had helped Obama to a sweet deal on the purchase of his home-- people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN it became known that George Soros, a multi-billionaire Marxist, spent a ton of money to get him elected, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he started appointing White House Czars that were radicals, revolutionaries, and even avowed Marxist/Communist, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he stood before the Nation and told us that his intentions were to "fundamentally transform this Nation" into something else, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN it became known that he had trained ACORN workers in Chicago and served as an attorney for ACORN, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed cabinet members and several advisors who were tax cheats and socialists, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed a Science Czar, John Holdren, who believes in forced abortions, mass sterilizations and seizing babies from teen mothers, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed Cass Sunstein as Regulatory Czar who believes in "Explicit Consent," harvesting human organs without family consent, and allowing animals to be represented in court, while banning all hunting, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed Kevin Jennings, a homosexual, and organizer of a group called gay, lesbian, straight, education network as Safe School Czar and it became known that he had a history of bad advice to teenagers, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed Mark Lloyd, as Diversity Czar, who believes in curtailing free speech; taking from one and giving to another to spread the wealth; who supports Hugo Chavez, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN Valerie Jarrett was selected as Obama's Senior White House Advisor and she is an avowed Socialist, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN Anita Dunn, White House Communications Director said Mao Tse Tung was her favorite philosopher-- and the person she turned to most for inspiration, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed Carol Browner as Global Warming Czar, and her being a well known socialist working on Cap and Trade as the nations largest tax, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he appointed Van Jones, an ex-con and avowed Communist as Green Energy Czar, who since had to resign when this was made known, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN Tom Daschle, Obama's pick for health and human services secretary could not be confirmed, because he was a tax cheat, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN as President of the United States , he bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he traveled around the world criticizing America and never once talking of her greatness, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN his actions concerning the Middle-East seemed to support the Palestinians over Israel , our long time ally, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he took American tax dollars to resettle thousands of Palestinians from Gaza to the United States , people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he upset the Europeans by removing plans for a missile defense system against the Russians, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he played politics in Afghanistan by not sending troops early-on when the Field Commanders said they were necessary to win, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he started spending us into a debt that was so big we could not pay it off, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he took a huge spending bill under the guise of stimulus and used it to pay off organizations, unions, and individuals that got him elected, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he took over insurance companies, car companies, banks, etc., people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he took away student loans from the banks and put it through the government, people said it didn't matter..

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WHEN he designed plans to take over the health care system and put it under government control, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he claimed he was a Christian during the election and tapes were later made public that showed Obama speaking to a Muslim group and 'stating' that he was raised a Muslim; was educated as a Muslim; and that he is still a Muslim-- people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he set into motion a plan to take over the control of all energy in the United States through Cap and Trade, people said it didn't matter.

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WHEN he finally completed his transformation of America into a Socialist State , people finally woke up--- but it was too late.�

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Add these up one by one and you get a phenomenal score that points to the fact that Barrack Hussein Obama is determined to turn America into a Marxist-Socialist society.

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All of the items in the preceding paragraphs have been put into place. All can be documented very easily. Before you disavow this do an internet search. The last paragraph alone is not yet cast in stone. You and I will write that paragraph. Will it read as above or will it be a more happy ending for most of America ?�

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Don't just belittle the opposition.. Search for the truth - we all need to pull together or watch the demise of a free democratic society.�

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Pray for Americans to seek the truth and take action for it will keep us FREE. Our biggest enemy is not China , Russia , North Korea , and Iran our biggest enemy is a contingent of politicians in Washington DC . The government will not help, so we need to do it ourselves.�

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Question....will you delete this, or pass it on to others who don't know about Obama's actions and plans for the USA , so that they may know how to vote in November, 2012 and the ensuing years?�

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It's your decision.�

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I believe it does matter.�

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How about you?�

It is great to laugh, even better too love!

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 17:44:07 -0700

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30 am?!� Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?�� He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up."

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.�� At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.� Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

One of the funniest things I have read this year!!

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Tue, 10 May 2011 13:20:00 -0700

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/8394/15-most-popular-autocorrects-from-april-2011/

Simple radiation check

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 08:21:40 -0700

I checked with SNOPES and this really does work.

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.

Just follow these simple instructions:

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN

LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER

IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU’RE FUCKED

Milkman and the Blonde

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 05:08:27 -0800

Milkman and the Blonde JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS! A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Rye Bread

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:56:01 -0800

�� Two old� guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their� usual park bench one� morning.
The 87 year old had just� finished his morning jog and wasn't even short� of breath.� The 80 year old was amazed at� his friend's stamina and asked him what he did� to have so much� energy.

The 87 year old said,� "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your� energy level high and you'll have great stamina� with the� ladies."

So, on the way home the� 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was� looking around, the lady asked if he needed any� help.

He said "Do you have any� Rye� bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a� whole shelf of it. Would you like� some?"

He said, "I want 5� loaves."
�� She said,� "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get� to the 3rd loaf, it'll be� hard"

�� He� replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows this shit but� me."

A bikers story...

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 04:19:16 -0800

A Biker story

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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

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The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,� "What are you doing?"

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"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
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While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.��

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

It is a man thing...

noreply@fubar.com (the Cat) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 18:00:44 -0800

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.