tag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-213432007-03-07T21:58:21-08:00Funnies...A fubar user blog.Judyhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2575512007-03-07T21:58:21-08:002007-03-07T21:58:21-08:00If Bill Gates was a Redneck named....<br /><font face="Comic Sans MS" size="4" color="FAEBD7"><b><center>Billy Bob Gates</center></b>
Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders..
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle..
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with duct Tape and a Hefty Bag..
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa..
Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos..
The Recycle Bin in Winders would be an outhouse..
Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling Free bird!
Instead of Start Me Up the Winders theme song would be Sweet Home Alabama..
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt..
Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++..
Winders logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag..
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word..
Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts..
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"..
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am..
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse..
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver..
Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire..
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard..
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator..
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates..
Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad..
New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
<center><a href="http://imageshack.us"><img src="http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/794/yeehawdt5.gif" border="0" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" /></a></center>
</font><br />Judyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2574672007-03-07T20:57:09-08:002007-03-07T20:57:09-08:00Troubleshooting Beer...<font face="Comic Sans MS" size="4" color="40E0D0"><center>For all of you beer lovers out there..(like me!)</center>
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: You're on your own.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
<b>SYMPTOM:</b> Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
<center><a href="http://imageshack.us"><img src="http://img129.imageshack.us/img129/6209/beerut5.gif" border="0" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" /></a><b>Author Unknown<a href="http://imageshack.us"><img src="http://img129.imageshack.us/img129/6209/beerut5.gif" border="0" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" /></a><br /><br />(he probably doesn't know cuz he drank so much, LOL)</b></center>
</font><br />Judyhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2574142007-03-07T20:31:00-08:002007-03-07T20:31:00-08:00WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?<br /><center><font face="Comic Sans MS" size="4" color="00CED1"><b>Horoscope For Southerners</b>
</font></center><font face="Comic Sans MS" size="3" color="DCDCDC">
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should now get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky..</font>
<font face="Comic Sans MS" size="3" color="FFFAF0">
<b>OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20</b>
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
<b>CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19</b>
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
<b>BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20</b>
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
<b>MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20</b>
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
<b>POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21</b>
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
<b>CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21</b>
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
<b>COLLARDS Jun 22- Jul 23</b>
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
<b>CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23</b>
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
<b>GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23</b>
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
<b>BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23</b>
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
<b>BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22</b>
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
<b>ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21</b>
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
<center><b>Author Unknown</b><br /><br />SOOOOO, what are you? LOL..</center></font><br />Judyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2573852007-03-07T20:10:33-08:002007-03-07T20:10:33-08:00COMPUTER VIRUSES...<font face="Comic Sans MS" size="2" color="E0FFFF"><b>Keep your computer safe and read up on the latest viruses going around out there!</b>
<b>Monica Lewinsky virus</b> - Sucks all the memory out of your computer..
<b>Ronald Reagan virus</b> - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored..
<b>Mike Tyson virus</b> - Quits after one byte..
<b>Oprah Winfrey virus</b> - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB..
<b>Lorena Bobbit virus</b> - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy..
<b>Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus</b> - Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them..
<b>Ellen Degeneres virus</b> - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC..
<b>Titanic virus</b> - Makes your whole computer go down..
<b>Disney virus</b> - Everything in the computer goes Goofy..
<b>Prozac virus</b> - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care..
<b>Sharon Stone virus</b> - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there..
<b>Tim Allen virus</b> - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact..
<b>Woody Allen virus</b> - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card..
<b>Saddam Hussein virus</b> - Won't let you into any of your programs..
<b>Tonya Harding virus</b> - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons..
<b>George Michael virus</b> - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup..
<b>Joey Buttafuoco virus</b> - Only attacks minor files..
<b>X-files virus</b> - All your Icons start shape shifting..
<b>Spice Girl virus</b> - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop..?
<b>AT&T virus</b> - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting..
<b>Arnold Schwarzenegger virus</b> - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back..
<b>Clinton Virus</b> - Your computer keeps going down but the Bible says it's OK..
</font><br />Judyhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2334652007-02-20T08:52:27-08:002007-02-20T08:52:27-08:00George Carlin's Rules to Live By...<font face="Comic Sans MS" size="2" color="FFD700"><b>New Rule:</b>
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerkwad. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge jerkwad.
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
</font><br />Judyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2334512007-02-20T08:37:09-08:002007-02-20T08:37:09-08:00Gates vs. GM...<br /><font face="Comic Sans MS" size="2" color="FFD700">For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
</font><br />Judyhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.2303202007-02-18T11:33:06-08:002007-02-18T11:33:06-08:00I LOVE NASCAR!!!!!....GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><center><object width="425" height="350"><param value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZzztLYox2Ro"></param><param value="transparent"></param><embed allowscriptaccess="never" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZzztLYox2Ro" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></center><br />Judyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.1590192007-01-04T15:37:00-08:002007-01-04T15:37:00-08:00Money isn't everything ya know....(Read ON)....<br /><center><a href="http://www.funnypicturespace.com"><img src="http://www.funnypicturespace.com/funny-comments/Moneyisn't.jpg" width="354" height="436" border="0" /></a></center><br />Judyhttp://email@example.com:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.1590162007-01-04T15:32:52-08:002007-01-04T15:32:52-08:00Things NOT to SAY during SEX....<br /><center><a href="http://www.funnypicturespace.com"><img src="http://www.funnypicturespace.com/funny-graphics/Don'tSaySex.jpeg" width="300" height="457" border="0" /></a></center><br />Judyhttp://firstname.lastname@example.org:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-21343.1590092007-01-04T15:27:58-08:002007-01-04T15:27:58-08:00ok fellas....ever had a hard time aim'n at the toilet bowl after a few too many???? TRY this, LOL....<br /><center><object width="480" height="480"><param value="file"><embed allowscriptaccess="never" src="http://www.boredusa.com/files/408ce3d907de.swf" width="480" height="480"></embed></param></object></center><br />Judyhttp://email@example.com