Ladies and gentlemen !!!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
If I could offer you one piece of advice for the future, submission to the masses would be it.
The long term benefits of becoming a communist have been proven by revolutionaries such as Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than the voice of a burning Bush.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind, you're ugly and you'll waste away and die eventually. God forbid you actually manage to breed and create more of you to be shot down with elephant tranquilisers.
You have a HUMUNGOUS ass.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, in the most pessimistic way that anything you do will be as effective as Placebos in place of Ritalin. The real troubles are apt to be the things that have evaded your paranoia; the kind that blindside you at 4pm in an alleyway next to a Coven House.
Do one thing every day that scares the hell out of your parents.
Kill.
Go ahead and break other people's hearts. People are bastards and will break yours.
Make crank calls.
Don't waste your time on jelousy; get even using violence and psychological warfare. The race is long, and you have a better chance of winning when everyone else is dead.
Forget compliments your recieve, remember the insults; your friends are liars and your enemies are more honest when they're doped up on sodium pentethol.
Keep your permanent records hidden, throw away your individuality.
Sanitise.
Don't bother planning any of your life. The most successful people I know had their lives planned out for them before they were 22, and the ones that had lousy parents all died before 40.
Get plenty of valium.
Be kind to your libido. You'll miss that when it's gone.
Maybe you're a lesbian, maybe you're not, maybe you'll spawn, maybe you'll be sterilised, maybe you'll be taken in for questioning, maybe you'll dance at a strip club after winning a sexual harrassment lawsuit. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself, ever, and berate yourself severely for your many, many inadequecies. You don't really have a choice, everything is influenced by causality. Enjoy vodka, absorb it any way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest friend you will ever have.
Dance; preferably naked in your own living room, because Big Brother is watching.
Read the directions, and misinterpret them.
DO NOT READ TIME MAGAZINE, the people in it are ugly.
Get to know your parents' money, and slip poison in their coffee. You'll be rich soon after the bastards are gone.
Be nice to your siblings; they have legal claim to your inheritance it's a bitch trying to disinherit them.
Understand that friends will always desert you anyway, so those that hold on do so out of greed and jealousy. Work hard to sever ties to your past, because the older you get the more you will wish you didn't have one.
Live in New York once, and leave at the fall of capitalism; drive on sixth gear to Northern California once, en route to your safehouse in Mexico.
Travel by no-frills economy.
Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will wilt and shrivel, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young everything was free, politicians were expendible and nine out of ten children were sterilised to balance the overcrowded population.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a bet on a baseball player, maybe you'll attempt to seduce a corporate mogul; but you'll never know when either might be playing for the other team.
Don't bother mess around with your hair, it can't possibly hide that thing you call your face.
Be careful whose drugs you buy, but, be friendly with those that supply it. Sobriety is a form of mind control, created by modern governemtns who can now take over your cosciousnes just by being boring.
But trust me on the communism
