spadesAll for HerspadesFubar hubby of he...'s blog: "dreams and reality lost and found"

normaly i would be the first to get on here and wine about how something is going wrong in my life,but im done with that. ive come to several realizations about life in my life.some of the more well known ones you already know so i wont bother to say.point being im just saying life is a lesion that your never done learning. many dont even get a chance to learn the basics of life or how to live they draw the short end of the stick.but it seems to me that those with the child like minds are the best off.look at it this way, a little child no matter how down will do nothing more than ask why or cry.no thoughts of takeing themselfs outa this world or that it would be a better place without them.im not saying all children are this way or even all those with child like minds, only that maybe sometimes as adults we think to much into things and that maybe we shouldnt be scared to ask why even if theres no answer. fear is nothing more than something that slows us down, not that all fear is bad just alot of it is usless.no im not saying have no fear because it makes u weak, we all have fear even those who refuse to admit it.but maybe we shouldnt just grow up but grow out why supress that which makes us whole, why forget what we felt was true in the first place because the world says its wrong? ask yourself why.why did u grow up and let go of those dreams.was it because u felt they were beyond your reach or because someone told you that you couldnt do it or even because u just woke up one day and realized you were fooling yourself.think back and let go of everything that holds you down for this moment you have a few min.s to use for this.now what do u see when nothing is holding you down, when nothing stands in your way?where do you see yourself? is it where u are? now take this and remember that which you have barried inside remember that which you may be scared to show. just remember. now back to what i was saying life is complacated and is the biggest lesson of all. we all learn different lessions along the way and we all feel different about many things but we are all conected in one way or another.everything is conected in one way or another .remember that because when you deside its beyond your reach or that its to much or too scary remember, your not week your part of the whole world and someone out there believes in you, so u should believe in yourself believe that you can and your chances of acheaving that one dream u had forgoten have just increased 1000 fold. so maybe some of u dont understand this or u totaly disagree with me but i believe what i believe and i believe that were are better than we let ourselfs be that we arent as week as we let ourselfs believe and that just as a child believes anything is posible. ok im done please tell me what you think.......

ok so im pissed its not offten that get this way im to the breaking point and i have a feeling im about to get pushed over it sure i have my problems and sure i try for somethings too hard but how the hell am i that bad off i try i realy do and sure i fail alot but thats life its not my choice i have so many hidden problems i dont share with anyone and i exadurate the ones i do share im a fucking hipocrit im emotional but not as bad as i say i am i let myself feel like that because it makes me know im alive i take the hurt and turn it to drive for another day my life is full of it who's isnt there is only so much one man can take in this world and im not one whos gonna be reborn and start again im gonna continue lifes a bitch but so what is always been that way few steps are taken on the right path those who dont make there own will come to an old rickity bridge at some point and have to cross you may fall but hell all u can do onece u reach the bottom is go up so why am i complaining again i guess because i can im not in a good mood right now whatsoever and when im like this i hate myself and wanna hurt myself maybe i will and maybe i wont i have b4 and will again if i feel the need this is just part of life i guess sometimes we need to be broken so we can pull ourselves back together and i reacon that may be what ill have to do but either way im gonna show the intensidy of my strid im gonna take a leap off that bridge and try to land on my feel broken or not life goes on and we all have to make a choice sometime or another that makes us go over the edge so it may be a scary fall and ur better judgement may say otherwise but what is judgment anywy u weigh the situation and deside apon it sometimes we just have to say fuck judgement and take a risk well im risking it im not one for takeing the easy way and ive tryed as hard as i can to not let this break me but it has and im not just gonna sit here with my head between my legs like a little baby anymore im gonna take life on head on and not worrie what others think im tired of being who others want me to be or who i assume they think i am very few know the true me and i think its time i show who that is!!! what say you gimme ur thoghts gimme ur words lemme know how stupid u think i am how much of a pushover u think i am what u think of me and maybe i can show you the truth "liveing life in fear is doing nothing more than dieing"

i have my dreams and live in reality. sometimes im wrong, and sometims im right. life is confusing. im trying so hard to make something of myself but, no matter how hard i try it doesnt seem to be enough. still i wont stop, ive quit to many things to many times before. i guess i have problems but, im working on them too and they say the first step is admiting it to yourself right? well i know about alot of them and am trying to take the steps nesacery to grow beyond them. ive gotten over my past as ive placed it as just that the past and, im trying to grow up and be a man about things. but its just not going my way ive got app.s in everywhere in town and call to see if anything has opened up on a regular basis but still no calls. i feel like i threw my only chances down the drain. because of personal problems and acting like a child and i regret it. why couldnt i have just done what needed to be done. then i wouldnt be in the situations im in right now. id be a much happier person and i would feel good about myself for acomplishing something. i couldnt begin to comprehend what i was thinking then. all i know is that somethings gotta give life is tearing me apart and its time i fought back. so i guess what im saying is ive taken all i can take in my life. ive followed the path set before me for so long and, im about to pave my own path. this is no longer something small in my life godzilla is a smaller problem than this. and im not takeing small steps anymore im gonna take a giant leap of faith and hope i can land on my feet. wish me luck with this because ill need it.