Over 16,514,127 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?

Depression and its constant struggles.... Has anyone ever been in a position where they have lots to say but are too sad to talk? I have had this account for a bit now. Everyday I think about sitting down at the computer and writing something to add to this. I hate that my next entry is going to be somewhat a bummer but sadly I don't think I can discuss much else till I get past this. Many of you may wonder where I've been the past few weeks. I apologize for my absence. Please know my friends that you have not been absent from my thoughts and in my heart. I suffer from severe depression. Some may read that and deem me instantly a flake or a nut. Many friends hear this and say "don't be so dramatic just get over it". OR my absolute favorite "you are an adult... control your emotions and stop acting childish". I hate these people... at least to some extent. It makes me want to grab them by the shoulders and say "thank you oh ignorant small minded one... your obvious and glib suggestions have freed me from my problems... I just never thought to grow up or snap out of it. Hey I hear Tom Cruise agrees with you, perhaps you should join forces w/ him to free all of us weak willed people." Then it make me somewhat wish they could have a taste of what its like to be in my head so they'd shut the hell up. I am ranting on this issue since yesterday I just got back from my psychiatrist office. Apparently we have decided I should change up my medications and doses AGAIN... Great as if its not bad enough I get a different diagnosis from every doctor I've ever seen. Either no one knows what my illness is or I am the most mentally screwed up person on the planet. I have been diagnosed with the following: ADD (attention deficit disorder); BPD (borderline personality disorder); PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder); routine depression (which I am doubtful of since most people get better I never seem to be able to get rid of this); and finally the biggie bi-polar disorder (formerly manic depression). I refuse to believe there is this much wrong w/ me. I would give almost anything to know I was normal again. Right now, I start everyday thinking "damn I am awake and can't stay asleep". I feel that I have wasted my entire life. I did everything right growing up. I was a straight A student till high school, I graduated in top 15% of my class. I went to college, not really b/c I wanted to but b/c it was the next logical step to me. I knew I was too smart to not go. Then I made what I thought at the time was an excellent decision... but now I look at it as a several thousand dollar failure. I went to law school, where I busted my ass for 3 years. Only to then fail the bar exam and shoot my confidence big time. At the moment I am still in unemployment hell/limbo. I have tried not to let the many rejections I've gotten get me discouraged. However, at this point I am totally unable to prevent that. Now I face the decision of what to do with myself. What is my plan B. I have discovered something.... I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE what my plan B is. Heck at this point I lack so much confidence that even though I know I need to take that test a 2nd time I hold out little hope I'll pass it. Many may tell me "if you think this way then why are you going to try". Since most of you out there don't actually know me I'll explain my thought process. I will still try to give studying my all. I keep trying to convince myself that I have thought this way before and beaten everything else. I am very scared though that I can't do that this time. Usually my depression has moments where it stops and I can be normal. Lately that has not been the case. I cry several times a day for many times no reason. I stopped eating almost entirely. Its not a conscious decision I am just down so much of the time that I am not hungry and I forget to eat entirely. Although lately when I've tried to sit down to eat like a normal person my brain starts its insecurity talk. That means my head is flooded with negative self imagery about how fat and unattractive I am. After a head full of that its tough to pick up a fork and enjoy anything..... I am just so tired of my brain being sad and negative. I hate being this way and I shut people out of my life when I am. By that I sort of disappear. I don't return calls, don't get online. I mean who wants to know how sad I am all the time... its a bummer. My hope is that if I vented some of these feelings out I'd feel better (um... so far its not working... but I'll try to give it time) I am not going to give up... but I am just so tired of being abnormal. I think I'd do just about anything to be a normal basically happy person again. I just don't know how to do it. I promise not to drag any of you guys down with me. I just really needed to vent that. Thanks Luv Danni
Well ever since LC added the blog feature to their site I’ve been racking my brain to think of what my first entry would be about. Today I finally decided that I wanted to write this for my husband Scott. Today is our first wedding anniversary. We don’t have a lot of money so I thought perhaps a gift from my heart would be the best way to go. I find myself thinking throughout my day sometimes that I do not stop to thank him for all the small things he does for me every day. So I thought I’d take this time to tell anyone who’d like to know just how much I love him and why. We met at an event called Pagan Night Out. Ironically enough neither he nor I are pagan. We are just both very open minded and have an appreciation for other’s beliefs- well that and our married friends both dragged us there to meet someone. It took Scott over a month to actually ask me out. He was adorable when he finally got the guts up to ask me out. Apparently, he was not expecting me to say yes so it actually took a second to sink in that I had not turned him down. On our first date he programmed my name into his phone so he would not forget it during the date. He spent hours doing research on the internet to impress me with the Greco-Roman mythology behind my email address at the time. Scott claims he quickly changed the subject once he realized I had actually majored in classics in college so not only did I know the myth… chances are I had to translate it at some point. I knew this was not the typical guy when on our second date he made cocktails. I was so impressed. To many of you on here that may sound small or silly. I was not used to men making a huge fuss over me. They guy I dated before Scott defined a good date as dinner at the food court and then 2 hours at the hourly motel near my house (and this was a law student guys…) I just remember sitting on his couch sipping that drink switching between thoughts of “is he trying to get me drunk to score” and “wow this is so classy”. Scott always found an interesting way to take me out on dates. I never knew what to expect. Some days it was a bunch of wild flowers and a drive to Galveston, other times it was a special dinner he made for me himself. Our first special dinner was pretty amusing. He asked me to come over to his apartment so he could cook me dinner. I called my friends freaking out saying “well it’s the 3rd date and its at his house.. you know that means he wants to fuck me”. Ironically Scott actually was just a nice guy making me dinner. He told me later “well as a guy sure I had hoped you’d fuck me but I did not expect it”. He made the most romantic dessert for me that night. It was a chocolate shell mixed with Amaretto, ice cream and a few other goodies. The special thing about it was that he had taken wild flowers and placed them in a circle around the plate. After I saw that well there was little question in my mind HE was DEFINITELY GETTING SOME. I am quite proud that the first time we slept together the sex got so wild and exciting the bed frame actually broke. WOO HOO… always good to know you are that good in bed. (lol) The two of us were engaged for over two and a half years before we finally tied the knot. We were so lucky compared to most couples we saw planning their weddings. Scott and I managed to have little to no fights about the wedding and we pretty much made all the decisions 50/50. I even let him have a Darth Vader cake at the wedding (groom’s cake though not main wedding cake). He even found a way to make my wedding ring extra special. He redesigned his great-great- grandmother’s ring. Apparently her husband worked in a mine to save up enough to buy her the ring. I think it is a sign of good luck to know that the ring I wear has been held onto by couples who stayed happily married their entire lives. He is amazing at finding things I can’t seem to locate. For example I always wanted a copy of Night of the Lepus. At the time this movie was not released for sale (it’s a very bad 70’s b- horror film about giant rabbits) He spent 2 ½ months tracking a copy down for me. Poor guy, he waited in deep south San Antonio early in the morning for 2 hours waiting on a video store to open up for him. Scott is very open minded. He does not judge people I spend time with. He does not mind me exploring alternative sides of my sexuality. He encourages it as long as it makes me happy and is not something that would come between the two of us. How many women can honestly say “ my husband knows I used to be a stripper and I pose nude for magazines, art classes, and private collectors?” I am guessing they are few and far between. He is wonderful for remembering all the little things. He actually listens to me. If I am having a bad day he’ll spray our sheets down in the bedroom with rose oils since its not only my favorite scent but also one I find relaxing. He takes me to see Tori Amos multiple times on a tour. This on its own speaks volumes that he loves me. He lets me listen to her music for hours on end if I am having a particularly emotional day. During my studying for the bar exam poor guy literally heard nothing but her music. He never once complained or lost patience with me. He never forgets to give me a compliment. He puts up with me and my many mood swings. (even if its me yelling at him for something absurd like how often we need to wash the comforter) He calls me every day from work even if its just for two minutes to tell me how much he loves me. He puts up with all my crazy friends as well as my pet rabbits (aka destruco- bunnies). I can literally go on and on about all those little things but I don’t want to make any readers on here gag on the romantic sentiment. However I think I will sum it up by saying thank you Scott for giving me back my faith in love. Before I met him I was quite cynical about relationships, feelings, the whole nine yards. To quote my hero Tori “the sexiest thing is trust”. I thank God and the fates every day that my path has crossed his. Happy Anniversary sweetie. I love you with all my heart.
last post
17 years ago
posts
2
views
815
can view
everyone
can comment
everyone
atom/rss
official fubar blogs
 8 years ago
fubar news by babyjesus  
 13 years ago
fubar.com ideas! by babyjesus  
 10 years ago
fubar'd Official Wishli... by SCRAPPER  
 10 years ago
Word of Esix by esixfiddy  

discover blogs on fubar

blog.php' rendered in 0.0447 seconds on machine '195'.