BLACK GOLD I am a believer's blog: "cute stuff for dirty minds"

A man walks into the dentist's office with aline toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocaine and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

VASELINE DOES THE TRICK This guy had always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.No one says a word.Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley from the rain, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Pre-Booty Call Agreement This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of _____________, 2007, by ________________________, between _____________ and _____________. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES: 1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening. 3. No calls before 9PM--We don't have sh*t to talk about. 4. None of that "lovemaking" sh*t--only mind blowing sex allowed. 5. No emotional discussions--Ex.: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask. 6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement. 7. All gifts accepted--money is always good. 8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged. 9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business. 10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies. 11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended. 12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave. 13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home. 14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care. 15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason. 16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "(My roommate's) girlfriend/boyfriend." 17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out. 18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just f*ck you. 19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling. 20. The most important one--no condoms, no f*cking. Carry your ass home. 21. Bring your own drink--I am not your liquor store. 22. No phone use, please--don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass. *EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory, email list, and aim. BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules Participating Party Signature______________________________________________ Date: ________________