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Just sick of feeling

but to quote Rhett Miller... "I couldn't drink enough to make this make sense...but I think I'm gonna give it a try" Among other ideas. I'm just tired of hurting and worrying over so many things. Can't stop thinking if I tried. And I'm TRYING. Just shoot me...please?
Yesterdays email from my mother contained the folowing: "No way to drop this bomb easy so here goes the total shite - The right side of my heart is dying for some reason. Have to go have various tests over the next couple days – on lasix to dump the fluid in my legs (looks like elephantitis) – it's ok for me to drive as long as I don't over exert – can't vacuum, lay my floor or do any heavy lifting – just sit around like a lump until they find out what's going on – I feel ok – I just went to the drs cause of "weird symptoms" that didn't seem to go away, like palpitations & racing pulses & no breath & water retention (all of which is just not me)" So if I'm not talking its because I can't.
Final "exam" time. Live, real time, basically on the fly "teaching a student" (ok, really just my instructor). No "right answers" just an evaluation by one person as to whether I could perform acceptably. No retest, pass or fail...what stress? I was nervous as all hell this morning, wasn't sure I could do a 40 minute "class" presentation really, but.....I did it. It was easier than I expected, and although I spent half of last night sick to my stomach... I am *drum roll, please* a Certified Berlitz English instructor ;) I get to teach...woot! * Laureth dances happily*
Your results:
You are Deanna Troi
Deanna Troi
100%
Uhura
80%
Chekov
50%
Beverly Crusher
50%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
50%
Geordi LaForge
45%
Will Riker
40%
Jean-Luc Picard
40%
James T. Kirk (Captain)
40%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
35%
Spock
22%
Worf
20%
Data
17%
Mr. Scott
15%
Mr. Sulu
10%
You are a caring and loving individual.
You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.
troi.jpg
Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character am I?" quiz...

Go me!

*shameless self promotional pride here* Yes! I took the first two exams on my online classes for Berlitz and I got 100% on both. Yes, I know my mother would just say "of course you did, I never expect less" but I still freaking get a thrill when I ace something anyway. Yay me.

wow, a day of rest

So I was invited out and actually went. ZOMG. Of course, there was the usual fun time hassle from home, and such, but I finally decided to stop playing the games and see what would happen. *That* is quite another blog and one I'm not writing, LOL. *Someone* stole the rest of my meds for the month, but I can manage as long as I don't have to remember anything or focus on things like job interviews, paperwork, cleaning, or sustained mental focus tasks. Anyway, I ended up spending a very long a relaxing time with a few enjoyable, happy people who don't seem to let things get them as far down as I do. And I fucking really *relaxed* and even sounded happy, according to those I spoke with who know me well. Damn, its sad when people think something's wrong because you sound *happy*. I honestly can't recall feeling that relaxed in a very very long time. One of these days, I will learn how to take better care of myself so I can do that for myself, rather than relying on the kindness of strangers. Damn Blanche anyway. But thanks to a wonderful experience, I feel a little less dark and depressed.

Brokenhearted Melody

Funny how things can change. Amazing how you can think that you won't ever get over someone and then you look back in time and realize, you did. I never thought I would meet my 'soulmate'. I also thought if I ever really did, it would last forever. Sometimes you're only half right. This is the story of my worst break up *ever* (or at least so far ;). ----- Another 5 days. That's all I have left. Then everything changes. And I can't decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. I swing from one extreme to another, relieved, devastated, with all sorts of entertaining thoughts in between. I lost it, and took off for a large percentage of the first couple of days. Then I had to go home and face it. And felt the bittersweet mixture of annoyance and agony drive their twin exploding hollow point rounds into my soul. Unasked questions, comments, jibes, pleas, arguments are choking my throat so tightly I can barely breathe. I feel fucking awful. I feel knocked down, kicked in the belly devestated. And I hate my self for not knowing why. I think. I think thoughts that pound and sear into my brain with such force and fury my breath stops in my lungs. I gasp and breathe again, but the internal forces that buffet and abrade my inner landscape are still not enough to scour the deep pain and hurt that is ripping my heart apart. Struggling to maintain surface calm, to remember to breathe, to not let this happen. Ohmyfuckinggodsineedtostopthis. Civilized. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. Please. No. Frail, cracked and broken, the mask returns to cover what lies with in. Closing my eyes, imagining a Zen state I do not remotely connect to. Just try and Breathe...not berate. Just try not to cry. Tears make men guiltly. Guilt makes some mad or defensive. All which Suck. Besides. I am not happy. I feel betrayed, abandoned, let down. Like someone carefully spun my happiest dreams and longings into a spun glass figure of joy and then smashed and ground it to dust. Sharp, edgy cutting dust. And yes, in a fair major way, it was not at all my wish or my doing. No one could have tried harder. But once, he made me happier than I ever believed it was possible to feel. I love him still. I cry in the shower where no one can hear when I lose the ability to control my tears. Great body wracking soul tearing sobs that blend with the water sounds and flow away down the drain. Numbness. Savior. Calgon take me away. I emerge, swollen eyed, but fuck, it *is* allergy season.... Riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhtttttttttt. Much later, I'm dragged from the dubious sanctuary of my book. Multiple times. Other's needs. Never much of a break from that. Gothy Emo child is on a torrent. Its like an avalanche of misinformation, presented in an authoritative form. With a chaser of Kassandra's Tourettes. Implosion is the kindest thing I can do for all concerned. Too soon for the vampiric Demon to arise, and the Feline Ferret is undergoing the crisis du jour. Heh. No surprise that "kids" rate high on things that contributed to the decision. Umhmm. Maybe it will help him, although I fear that its another movement and rest period. But ok. Either way, he might stay within visiting distance. Prolly closer than the rift between us now, although he's less tan 2 feet away. Hahaha. I have a little secret of my own. I'm not really doing this sober. I can't. I'd go insane. He's so fucking calm and remote. I don't believe he'll never really know how agonizing it is just to simply sit here with him, feeling the distances, interaction strained to polite conversation, memories and things like non sequiters falling in the randomness like a ripe milkweed pod. Flying, floating, landing, ignored. Scream: "Fuck!". Repeat infinitely until hoarse. Time to forget a little more. Thinking sucks. Feeling sucks. Alone sucks. Unless you count kids. Mirrors suck too. And the sting lingers too. Another morning. Wake up crying. cry sleep another day. go out to try and forget. disaster at home. CAN'T ESCAPE HELL! talking....still he's going. He says he has to. He leaves at 10:00 pm. Hours from now. That is when my soul will die. As soon as he leaves. I will break down. I know this. I don't care if I do. Maybe if I go insane there will be clarity on the other end of this ride though Torment. Kiss sings Hard Luck Women....how apt. I realize that the only way to get through this pain is to stay as fucked up as possible. Good thing NH packies are open on Sundays. Asked the stupid what-if questions. Some answers bring pain. Others relief. Gods if I only didn't love him so much it would be fine. But no, he's my soulmate. I knew it, really knew it when we met. I'm dying inside with a clown's smile Its time. The kids arguing again just made it all the more certain. Its time. He's going. My world ends now. I'm not sure if I can do it. If it just might not be the one thing that kills me. I think it did inside. Today I feel like a automation, just going through the motions. Left. Bereft. reallly gone. He really abandoned me. now I'm alone. Its been 2 weeks. I still cry over it. Wrote a poem about it. I still can't seem to manage much sober either, something that really bothers me quite a bit. I feel like in some ways I was a fool, other ways like a much more highly evolved person in this regard (and that roughly translates to the awareness that I can love in a way he just isn't able to), and a million other feelings. Some news as been like a pound of salt and a gallon of vinegar in an open wound. Fanfuckingtastic that he found a job. Now that he left. That's a kick in the balls for sure. I still love him. Always will. But I can love him enough to let him learn is own path to where I am now. Because there are some things where my skills totally pwn his. One month later... Numb is good. Anger is prolly better although the kids are taken aback at some of my snarky comments. He's pissed me off a few times via email, and evidently things aren't so peachy keen were he landed. Pure fury over the way he's treated the kids, who miss him. Can't manage one lousy fucking email in a MONTH? I grant you sometimes its really hard to find the time to write for everyone, but not even a few sort sentences? Still e finds time to play his online games...*sighs* He's really amazingly oblivious to the way his actions (or lack of) effects those who care about him. I pity him but I also don't think he's ever going to learn. Sad, really. His loss. He will die alone, I just feel it. He can't see beyond his own intimate circle and I'm certain he doesn't realize it. I've called him selfish before and he never really got it...I'm pretty sure he's never going to either. Right this second, I couldn't tell you if I want to ever see him again or not. I don't think I will ever have a choice though...he's a coward and he's been running most of his life. Realized recently that there are people like him in this world, a strange mixture of shallow that appears deep. Sometimes I wonder if he memorizes things that sound deep in order to masquerade his shallowness. However, I think he'd have to realize it and that's just not very likely. Still working on getting over it. Yeah, I let go so easily. Ummhmmm. Of course in my life the freak show never ends. This goes beyond being broke, poor etc, family problems, and petty everyday stuff. It feels like I'm drowning in a swamp I will never ooze out of. Yeah, welcome to the shit circus, LOL. I never wanted to be a ringmaster either :P I'm thinking about writing again but the inspiration is kind of dead within.I'm not one of those who create only out of pain. Not for years and years. Out of the habit, I guess. I will find a way to try. One thing I know, I will endure this as well. I'm way too strong to not survive these things. Sometimes its not a very comforting thought.
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