CrUsHeR's blog: "CRUSHMAN"

HOW I FEEL Current mood: uncomfortable Category: WEAK IN SIDE :( Friends I AM SO ONE THAT HURTS SO BAD INSIDE ALL THE TIME, THE PAIN IS LIKE BEING IN A GAS CHAMBER AND TRYING TO BREATH IN BUT IT ONLY BURNS THE INSIDES. I MISS MY CHILDREN THEY ARE INSEPRATE FOSTER HOMES AT THE MOMENT, CAUSE THERE MOM SAMANTHA F-CKED UP ! AND LOST EM :( I MISS MY XWIFE CAROL MORE THAN ANY ONE I HAVE EVER BEN WITH THAT I COULDNT TAKE IT ANY MORE SO I TRYED TO KILL MY SELF ON THE 10TH OR SOMETHING I TOOK 30 SLEEPING PILLS I HURT WITH OUT MY LIFE LONG PARTNER ! ITS LIKE HAVEING A TWIN AND THE LOSEING IT LIKE SOME ONE IN MY FAMILY. (BILLY I HURT FOR YOU BROTHER) TIFFANY IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND ! THE PAIN HURTS EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW I WOULD OF BEN GREETED BY HER IF I COULD OF JUST DIED :( I KNOW ITS NOT GOING TO BE THE LAST TIME I DONT WHY ? I THINKS THATS WHY I WENT TO HAWAII ! I HAD TO GO BEFOR IT WAS DONE "( MAYBE THIS IS HOW I DIE THIS LIFE TIME SUICIDE...HMM RATHER DIE FROM A BROKEN HEART I GUESS. I GOT TO MUCH STUFF THAT HURTS MORE THAN EVER IN SIDE MY HEAD. AND I NOW THAT WHEN YOU ARE DEAD YOU DONT FEEL NOTHING ANY MORE SO THEY SAY WHO KNOWS. I WAS SO CLOSE TO DEATH I COULD SMELL IT. IT HURTS TO SAY THAT IM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID BUT,I REALY WISH IT WOULD OF WORKED. REALY IS SELFISH BUT WHAT THE HELL MAYBE ITS TIME I GET WHAT I WANT GO HOME TO MY FATHER AND HIS CHILD AND MY GRANDPA JIM AND TIFFANY AND EVERY ONE ELLS ! (SH-T) YOU KNOW I ASK GOD EVERY DAY BUT DONT GET AN ANSWER ! AND ITS ALWAYS THE SAMETHING WHY AM I HERE GOD TO SUFFER YOU LOVE ME TAKE ME HOME TAKE ME HOME IM READY. EVERY NIGHT I SAY BEFOR I GO TO SLEEP PLEASE DONT LET ME WAKE UP AGAIN LORD LET E COME HOME ! I KNOW THIS IS NOT RIGHT BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL I DONT WANT TO GO ON WITH OUT MY KIDS OR MY WIFE CAROL.BUT I HAVE TO AND SINCE I HAVE TO BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN TO HURT EVERY DAY ! WELL I KNOW THIS IS ALL A BUNCH OF CRAP TO OTHERS BUT I DONT CARE ! THIS IS HOW I FEEL.I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN ON EVERY ONE I CROSS. NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT MAKES PROBLEMS,ECT. WHO KNOW IF THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME I DONT KNOW BUT IF THERE PLZ JESUS WALK WITH ME HOME DONT LET ME GET LOST ! STAND STRONG WITH AT THE GATE HOLD ME STAND BY ME MAKE ME STRONG TO WANT TO LIVE BUT IF I FALL WEAK PLZ FOR GIVE ME FOR WHAT HAPPENS I KNOW IF I ASK FOR FORGIVENESS YOU WILL GIVE IT TO ME I DONT BELIVE THAT IF I KILL MY SELF THAT I WILL GOT HELL, THERE CANT BE ANYTHING WORST THAN HERE ! WATCH ME AND LISTEN FOR THE TIME WHEN I CRY FOR YOU THEN YOU KNOW ITS TIME FOR YOUR SON TO COME HOME !LISTEN FOR MY PRAYERS I WILL BE CALLING LIKE ALWAYS :) IM DIEING INSIDE !

WELL FUC- I DONT FEAL ANY BETTER THE THOUGHTS STILL MAKE MY HEART FEEL LIKE IM FALLING AND MY CHEST GROWS ICE COLD FEELING LIKE I COULD VOMITE ICE CUBES.WHATS WRONG WITH ME ? WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS LOST OR JUST DIEING INSIDE ROTTEN MAKEING ME FEEL LIKE IM ALONE LOST AND SAD. I NEED MY FRIEND CAROLS ADVICE BUT I KNOW I WILL NEVER GET THAT ! I SURE MISS IT MORE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER MISSED ! I CAUGHT MY SELF TODAY LOOKING AT THINGS THINKING BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT SOMETHING I STOPPED REALY QUICK AS SOON AS I FELT IT MY BODY FELT THE WIERDEST IT HAS EVER FELT LIKE SOME ONE REALY GRABBED MY HEART AND YANKED IT OUT TOOK A BIG BITE OUT OF IT STILL HOOKED TO EVERY VEIN AND I COULD FEEL THE TEETH SINK IN AND RIP A PIECE OUT ! PHHH THAT WAS LONG BUT I NEED TO TYPE IT OUT SO I CAN GET IT OUT !!! WHY ME ? I NEVER WANTED TO DIE BUT IT FEELS LIKE DIFFERENT LATELY DEATH ? OR BE ALONE ? HOW MUCH CAN ONE TAKE WITH OUT JUST SAYING I QUIT ! I KNOW I CANT TAKE MUCH MUCH MORE OF ANYTHING ? I KNOW I GOT THREE GREAT KIDS THAT I HAVE LOVED BEFOR I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT KIDS CAUSE I JUST FELT THEM COMEING ONE DAY AND WHEN I SAW TESIA I WAS SCARED AND YOUNG I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO IM SORRY I WAS NOT THERE TESIA ! WISH I COULD BE NOW BUT MAYBE ONE DAY OR ANOTHER TIME ! ANDREW MY BIG BOY YOUR MY FIRST SON AND LAST...I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I COULD EVER COUNT STARS :) AUTUMN MY LITTLE ANGLE GIRL I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH INFACT I MISS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AS JUST THE SAME THERE IS NEVER A SECOND THAT CAN GO BY THAT I DONT THINK OF YOU KIDS. I KNOW THAT ALIVE OR DEAD YOU WILL GROW STRONG AND ALL MAKE THE BEST OF YOUR LIFES I HAVE FAITH IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU :) NEVER LET A DAY GO BY THAT YOU DONT SMILE. LIFE IS SHORT MAKE IT THE ""BEST'' COOL SHAGY IS ON ITUNES I SAW HIM IN HAWAII IT WAS COOL BUT EVEN THOUGH I DID I WAS NOT HAPPY BOY MY LIFE IS GREAT !