CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Crushed and not the good way"

Today is gonna be the hardest day for awhile. I am at my friend Tanja's right now but go see my boyfriend tonight about 7 to stay with him for the night then we leave about 7am to go to the airport. I so dont want to be coming back to the states. I keep thinking tonight is going to be the last night I get to hold him for 3-8 mths and its tearing me up!! Yesterday I did go buy him and I matching bears, yes you read right bears. I sprayed his with my obsession, and I will give it to him tonight with a note that says if you ever feel lonely or miss me hug the bear.... Mine is in my suitcase already....How is it physically possible when you love someone so much not to have it hurt so bad when you have to leave. God I wish I knew the answer to that!

Today I dont promise to be happy when I am COMPLETELY falling apart inside. Today is technically my last full day with my boyfriend. I go to Tanja's tomorrow. I will see Rudi on Wednesday night and he is taking me to the airport Thursday morning but honestly I just want to lay my head down and cry. The love of my life will be over 7400 miles away in less then a week. I wont be waking next to him nor falling asleep holding his hand. I wish there was something to do to make this easier, but no matter how much I tell myself Im not going to cry, I do :(

Have you ever felt like you just couldnt do it anymore? I am not talking about life, I am talking about love. Last night was very very hard on me. I wont go into details but my boyfriend did something that hurt me emotionally very badly. He did realize it and did apologize and thats fine, but when I figured what he did I went off. I didnt stop and think before I said things. I called him every name in the book and said alot of negative things that I didnt mean but they were out of rage at the moment. I have been practicing for the past year to use I statements, I long ago learned just how bad using you statements hurt because they were always pulled on me. Last night I went back to the you statements. I did tell him after stuff calmed down that next time I am here he better do what ever it takes to keep me here or I cant do it anymore. This emotional roller coaster is tearing me up and I swear I will have a breakdown if it continues. I love him with all my heart obviously, this is my second time in a foreign country, where I had expected not to leave both times. Last night I grabbed the bottle of tequilla and started slamming it.... I am not to much of a drinker and I am glad I semi calmed myself down before it got out of control. Right now I am just feeling broken.....

Ok well I have semi started packing today. I hate this I hate this so damn much! I shouldnt be packing to go back to the states. I should be staying here with my boyfriend. I am so not myself this past week. Never knew that a long distance relationship like this could be so damn hard. 7500 miles or 22 hrs of flying every 3 months is definitely enough to break anyone down emotionally. I am feeling so unstable. I hate what I have become at the moment, the girl who never wanted anyone and was independent has turned dependent on the one she gave her heart too. Its not like its my choice at the moment because when I am in Germany I am unable to work since I dont have a permit, some day I will be able to put my whole self into this relationship. Everytime I think about going back to the states I break down in tears. Probably for the fact that I know this time will be longer then 3 months. I cant bare to think about that. All the times I have been in love before or at least think I was in love before I was always able to walk away easily. This time its harder so to me that is telling me that it is definitely true love. The man that makes my heart melt just looking at me........

German Words DER WEG - Deutsch Ich kann nicht mehr seh'n Trau nicht mehr meinen Augen Kann kaum noch glauben Gefühle haben sich gedreht Ich bin viel zu träge Um aufzugeben Es wär auch zu früh Weil immer was geht Wir waren verschworen Wären für einander gestorben Haben den Regen gebogen1 Uns Vertrauen geliehen Wir haben versucht Auf der Schussfahrt zu wenden Nichts war zu spät Aber vieles zu früh Wir haben uns geschoben Durch alle Gezeiten Haben uns verzettelt Und verzweifelt geliebt Wir haben die Wahrheit So gut es ging verlogen Es war ein Stück vom Himmel Dass es dich gibt Du hast jeden Raum Mit Sonne geflutet Hast jeden Verdruss Ins Gegenteil verkehrt Nordisch nobel Deine sanftmütige Güte Dein unbändiger Stolz Das Leben ist nicht fair Den Film getanzt In einem silbernen Raum Vom goldenen Balkon Die Unendlichkeit bestaunt Heillos versunken, trunken Und alles war erlaubt Zusammen im Zeitraffer Mittsommernachtstraum Du hast jeden Raum Mit Sonne geflutet Hast jeden Verdruss Ins Gegenteil verkehrt Nordisch nobel Deine sanftmütige Güte Dein unbändiger Stolz Das Leben ist nicht fair Dein sicherer Gang Deine wahren Gedichte Deine heitere Würde Dein unerschütterliches Geschick Du hast der Fügung Deine Stirn geboten Hast ihn nie verraten Deinen Plan vom Glück Deinen Plan vom Glück Ich geh hier nicht weg Hab meine Frist verlängert Neue Zeitreise Offene Welt Habe dich sicher In meiner Seele Ich trag dich bei mir Bis der Vorhang fällt Ich trag dich bei mir Bis der Vorhang fällt ----------------- English Translation The Way-- English I can no longer see Don't believe my eyes any more Can hardly believe Feelings all turned around I'm much too lazy To give up Besides it would be too soon Because there's always a way We were bound together Would have died for each other Bent the rain into a bow1 Lent each other our trust We tried to Turn while schussing Nothing was too late But much was too soon We have shoved each other Through all the tides We got sidetracked together Loved desperately We denied the truth The best we could It was a piece of heaven That you exist Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Danced the movie In a silver room From a golden balcony We stood in awe of eternity Helplessly sunken, drunken And everything was allowed Together in time-lapse Midsummer-Night's Dream Every room you Flooded with sun Every frustration You turned around Nordic noble Your gentle goodness Your untamed pride Life isn't fair Your confident stride Your true poetry Your serene dignity Your unshakeable grace Your destiny You defied You never betrayed Your plan for happiness Your plan for happiness I'm not leaving here I've extended my stay New time travel Open world I have you safe Inside my soul I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls I'll carry you with me Until the curtain falls

This week is going to be a very difficult week for me. With my boyfriend being gone this week I am going to have to start packing. I was leary about unpacking when I first got here because of knowing in the back of my mind that I would have pack again. The only thing is, when I came this last time I had summer and winter clothes, going to try to make my suitcases lighter and just carry the winter clothes. This time in Germany has been harder then the last, not seeing my boyfriend except on the weekends, I feel cheated although I knew that is how it was going to be. Last night we got into a HUGE discussion where of course I was in tears. All I am looking for is reassurance. Yes when I am back in the states I am going to be screwed, not having money to live off of and not having a way to get to places. That scares me. Before he said he would help me, now he says he cant help me when I am in the states if I want him to be able to take care of his bills here so when I come back I can stay a year. He said something about being able to give me my life back, dont he realize I am not looking for a life from him, I want his love, thats it. But I do want to be able to put what I can into this relationship too. I asked him what happens after that year, if I am just dreaming of a future with him or if something is going to happen. He said we will see. This is the first time I have given my complete heart to anyone. I did comment on I should have never dropped my walls, then this wouldnt hurt so bad. But I do know that he is my world. I love him to death and would even die for him....

Ok now I must somehow learn to be positive or at least appear positive when my hunni is home. Yesterday was hard as heck on me, every little thing I would break down crying over. I know three months aint that long but yet, in my mind it feels like forever. This 3 months that I have been here in Germany I havent gotten to see him much, just on the weekends because of his work. I knew that and I understand that. I just wish we could have had alot more time together, I want to put into this relationship was he has done for me, but sadly at this time all I have to give him is my heart, and he already has that completely. I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished these past 6 months. My Angel really is my life! I never thought that I could love like this, and it feels good to really truly be in love like this. I hate the pain though that comes with it, the pain of being away from him, the pain that I will have from not feeling his touch on the weekends, the pain of not looking into those eyes. Blah!

Right now I am feeling very crushed and down. It didnt go through, I knew to expect the worst but hell it stll hurts. I am scared of whats going to happen with us in the next few months, right now its hard to be positive when I was shot down so hard today. I respect my man more then ever though cuz today he showed me that he was at least willing to try. Back to the states I bounce on the 29th. The human ping pong ball. I wont be allowed to come back to Germany till the end of Feb beginning of March.....Being away from him feels like its gonna kill me. I am trying soooo hard not to cry right now since he is here. I dont want him to see my pain, especially how this feels. To top it off I have been sick all week and this just added to it. I dont know if I will be on Fubar in the states much since if I stay at my moms she has dial up and dial up and FU dont get along. I am terrified of many other things too, for instance staying at my moms I cant work cuz there is no bus near and she works at 430 am....I dont know how I am going to be able to see him on cam with dial up, I dont know how I am going to talk to him cuz my states cell phone is off and I cant afford another one, I dont know about my tobacco habit, yes I KNOW DIRTY habit but I am not ready to quit...... My heart feels like its crushed and to top it off I have this weekend and next weekend with him and thats it :(