Just Me's blog: "CONFUZZING"

It's funny how a guy who usually never has a problem winding down, turning his mind off at night gets into trouble and can't sleep at night. It wasn't too bad, but last night it just got the best of me. Tried to lay down, then the mind kicked in. Then about the time that the mind got wound down, the heartburn kicked in. So at 3 AM I was outside getting some Rolaids from my truck. Then to top it off even more. I am not feeling anything. I am kind of "numb." While the constants are still there, such as missing my kids, fear, and all that usual stuff, I'm not feeling the other things I should be feeling. Elation at being off this weekend. Exctacy for not being in the field. Happiness for passing both tests in class last week. Happiness at most likely still getting to go to ALC/BNCOC in April. The usual stuff just ain't making a difference in my life. I am fricking stuck. Garth Brooks, you are a sonofabitch. This learning to live again is killing me. It's funny how a song about a new relationship can be so close in meaning to ending a relationship. It is funny how I can't find words to express what I am feeling, but yet I can find a song that expresses it so damned close. Well a few. "My Life's Been A Country Song", "I Breathe In, Breathe Out", and "No Love Songs" are a few others that are hitting pretty damned close now. There's a few others, but ya'll would laugh at me. Why am I feeling lost? How can I be found? What am I doing in life? Am I doing things right? Does my being here make a difference in anyone's life? Are the smiles I am given real? Then there is the one I have been thinking about too much lately, but it's kind of private. Morbid, but private. I don't know anyone well enough anymore to talk them about it, so I'll keep it to myself. Maybe I just need a drunk night. One where I have no cares in the world. Of course I'll have to hid my cell avoid Drinking and Dialing. (Listen to Darius Rucker and you will understand.) Although I have had to stop myself on more than one occasion from doing the Drunk Dialing thing prior to hearing the song. I guess I'm just at another major crossroad in my life. Maybe I'm about to go in a direction? Maybe, just a big maybe, this is what I need. To top it off this is the wrong month for me to be doing this. Between being in class, prepping my Soldiers to deploy, and getting everything lined up for me to do all that I have to do in the next few months, I can't have myself distracted. I have found one thing that helps me to stop my mind from going in 80 different directions. Unfortunately, it is not something I can be around often. Oh and to top it off, I decided I was going to quit smoking yesterday. Well that got shot out the fricking window this afternoon. Like I said. I can't be busy enough. Regardless of what I am doing, my mind is going too far, too fast, in too many directions. Concentration is out the window, well most of the time. There is that one thing that lets my mind rest for a few. But once again, like everything good in life, it can't be had all the time. I'm off to eat a grilled ham and cheese and drink a few beers. Wish me luck, and if ya got an idea of what in the hell is making me think this much, let me know in private. "My Life's Been A Country Song" [Verse 1:] Now I know how Merle Haggard felt when he sang the words mama tried And I've lived those teenage Friday nights the pyrmid of cans in the pale moon light And that Summer Becky broke my heart Alabama sang old flame burnin' Well I've danced with George Strait Drank with George Jones My life's been a country song. [Chorus:] It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up Your good times and hard luck True love and amazing grace Workin' all week for a back ache Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right They can write it on my stone, My life's been a country song. [Verse 2:] Now I know how Paycheck felt when he told his boss he can take his job and shove it And I've had the girl that made me say 'I like it, I love it, I want some more of it' And I'll always remember just where I was when the world stopped turnin' Through the good and the bad, The right and the wrong My life's been a country song. [Chorus:] It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up Your good times and hard luck True love and amazing grace Workin' all week for a back ache Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right They can write it on my stone My life's been a country song. [Bridge:] It's been the words when I couldn't find 'em. A friend when I've been alone. It's been the toast to things to remember, the strength for movin on... [Chorus:] It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up Your good times and hard luck True love and amazing grace Workin' all week for a back ache. Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right. They can write it on my stone My life's been a country song. Oh my life's been a country song

Well, even though I have not updated the blogs in awhile, I figured it was time. Overdue to be honest. I am in Texas. Love my house. Probably going to have to get a roommate to stay in my house. Stephanie and I are not on the best of terms. She calls me almost every night! Now this would not be a problem, except most of the time it feels to me like she is asking for more money. (STEPHANIE, NOTICE! I used feels, can't attack me for that one.) She told me that she was going to start moving ahead with the divorce, and well.....I'm actually happy with that. She said she wanted to do a quicky no lawyer, I emailed an attorney. If I can get enough guarantees that she is not trying to royally screw me, I might not use the lawyer as much as could be. I just have this gut feeling, and well, I also received a lawful order that I had better talk to an attorney. The attorney seemed like it would not be too hard of a case. Granted I have not talken to her yet, but she seems like she understands what is going on. Work is already hectic. I am the second most senior guy in the shop, but the senior one is leaving soon. I am working in a Signal Maintenance Section working on comms equipment, and fixing it. I have 14 Soldiers in the shop, and if I take over the platoon like it is rumored, I'll be over 29 Soldiers. We have got a lot going on, starting with the week after Veteran's Day. Then Thanksgiving, then the Field, the Signal Ball, and then Christmas. The first of the year is going to suck because we are not slowing down. Oh yeah, and we deploy next year. I am liking Texas so far though. Met some good friends already. Oh, and still under 185 lbs.

For the too many nights in a row, I'm sitting here alone in my room thinking. I sit on my bunk, flip through the channels, and then try to sleep. The sleeping pills aren't working, the going for a walk isn't working. Heck, a warm bath isn't working. I lie in bed, just thinking. I just don't understand it. I've never had a problem sleeping before. Don't get me wrong, it's some good quality thinking. I think a couple more nights, and I'll have the equation for the secret of happiness, what we are doing here, and the solution to the energy crunch figured out. I think I figured out how to make cows crap crude oil last night, I am just too tired to remember. I am physically exhausted, but my mind just keeps going. Further, it's not that I am dwelling on the past either. I am just feeling like there is something I am missing. Something that I should be looking at. I keep paying attention to what is in front of me, but it seems like it's not what is supposed to be there. I am looking forward to going to Ft Hood, and picking up and moving on with my life. Granted, it will be at a snail's pace. I need to be able to move on, but I can't. I need to be able to do so much, but me being here is only complicating matters. I could do away with my integrity, and get my spouse to do the same, and we could lie, but I am not going to tarnish my word anymore. Even in the pursuit of happyness. (Yes, the Will Smith movie is on right now.) I was asked tonight, because she couldn't get a hold of me for a couple of days, if I was out on a date. My reply, yes, 3 dates. She asked who? I replied, Me, Myself, and I. How am I supposed to date anyone in the fishbowl that is this base? There's only so many places we could hide at, and well, that would be kind of defeating the purpose. Besides, I AM STILL MARRIED! Regardless of what our agreement says, I am still married, which means that if I do anything, and the perception is there, I am toast. Hammered, Burnt, Nailed toast. I'm done for. I find myself longing for that cold beer. Just a sip of cold beer. I know physically, it is not what I need, but I think that mentally, it will help so danged much. Now if only I can get approval to take one of my remaining passes. I have put in three different requests and had all three denied. One was denied because I hadn't been told I was giving training on one of those days. So I have a few days left to play with, not many though. I have 11 weeks, or 82 days left in country, boots on ground. That only leaves me 9 weeks to use at least one of them, but wait....that puts me at 6 weeks, and I have two. (remember, my original 3 were denied.) I am starting to train my replacement EO Leaders. They are both taking the class next week. I do not have a replacement for my position coming in anytime soon, so I have to make sure I get my Continuity Book up to date, although it will be out of date a week after I leave. A lot is changing of late. Oh, got some good news. Been doing some more activities around base, and am entering in the 3 man laser tag tournament next month. Yes, I have a team of 3 including me. I take a PT test next week, but I am concerned about my weight. I would do some of the usual tricks to make sure I am good, (about 3 pounds is what I need to lose), but it is the desert and summertime. Just something else I have been thinking about. Oh yeah, and I slept through my alarm on Monday. Got my new MP3 player today. 80 GB Zune. I put 3,000 songs on it, and still have 70 GB of space. DANG! Of course in a month I'll be thinking where did all of my space go? Well, I'm off to close my eyes again, and hopefully find some sleep. Hope ya'll have a great day, and see ya'll on the flipside, sometime. Oh yeah, for those wondering. I got final confirmation that I will not be extending here. I am heading to Ft Hood in September. Take about 15 days worth of leave/advon time, and I should be in Texas about 22 September. (advon time is time I am allowed to gather my things and travel to my duty assignment.) I figure a week in Maryland with my kids, 2 days to drive to my mom's, a day to offload and spend with mom, then a day to get to my dad's and spend with him, then leave the next day. That would give me two days for Murphy, and whatever else may come up.