Kakakattie's blog: "Can I honestly be this stupid."

OK, I wanted to give more of a background on my father from my last entry. More or less, my father was abusive to my mother, myself, and my sister when we were little. He would lock us in our rooms while he went to the race tracks, or while he was just in the living room wathcing TV so he didn't have to put up with us. My parents divorced when I was around 2, my father has never really been there at all for me or my sister. Financially he was, $200 a month until my sister turned 18 then $100 a month until I turned 18. Other than maybe a few visits a year, here and there and depending on the year and where we were living that was it. I have always had a problem with him, I dont understand why he can't just be there for us. I dont understand why he doesnt care to know what is going on with us, or worry about us. I dont care if he is busy working, or doing whatever with his new family we are his children and he is suppose to be there for us. That is his responsibilty, he is our FATHER, I dont know how many times I go over this but it is always the same, if he isnt going to be in our lives, then I would rather not know who my father is. I dont care if I am being selfish, and I know TONS of people out there have it worse, but this is me, this is MY life and how I am feeling. I am tired of it, I am tired of him, if he died tomorrow I dont think it would effect me in anyway except for the fact that he wouldnt be around to abandon me anymore. I say these things out of anger and being hurt I know this. I wish I could tell them these things in real life, but whenever I am around I do my best to get him to notice me. All I want in life is his approval of me, and for him to NOTICE me, I am tired of being in the shadow, of him ignoring me. When he is around, it is all about my sister she is older than I am, she has blown up at him. It is like he is trying to constantly prove to her that he is a good father, but what about me? I barely know ANYTHING about him, if I had my choice I wouldnt even know who my biological father was. I think it hurts worse knowing he is just a phone call away, and he could call anytime but doesnt, then not knowing who he is at all. We moved to Oregon to be closer to him, we lived there for 6 years I saw him all of about 18 times, 3 times a year. Christmas, birthday, and then an odd thing here or there. It is disgusting. I know I could call him I know I could try and make an effort, but I have been doing that for most of my life and I am tired of it. I think now it is time to say enough is enough and be done with it, be done with him. When I was in the hospital the second time, for my depression again, we talked a lot about talking to my dad. It was around Thanksgiving, and I remember I was banned from going to their Thanksgiving celebration because they were afraid I would have it out there, I may have I admit. But then I would have gotten it out, 5 fucking years later and he still has no idea what I think of him. The funny thing is, he actually looked hurt, and like he was going to cry when we told him that we were moving back to Kansas. If he didnt want us to move back then maybe he should have been there, maybe if he had cared a little more then we wouldnt have moved back. Maybe...just maybe, if he was a father then we wouldnt have left. Fuck being a father, if he was just THERE then that is SOMETHING. He was nothing, he IS nothing. Give him a chance you might say, I have given him hundreds....I am done with chances. A lot on my mind tonight, no one to listen to me so I blogged.

So I was driving home from dinner last night, and I was just thinking...random thoughts really. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere it hit me, why I am the way I am with guys. It all goes back to my father, I mean I knew he had some effect on how I am around guys but I just didn't know how much. Whenever I am around my father, I guess the easiest way to put it is I flirt with him. At least the way I flirt with guys in real life, not a sexual kind of flirt, but a look at me kind of flirt. It is disgusting really, but I am always trying to prove to him that I am good enough to be his daughter. That is what I do with guys, try to prove that I am good enough for them to talk to, or to be with. In both areas I have failed miserably. I am glad I have figured this out, but at the same time I am worried...how the hell am I suppose to fix this, or change this. I honestly couldn't care less about my father at this moment, he isn't and hasn't been there for me and I am tired of his shit. The thing I am worried about it carrying this into future relationships, I dont want this to effect me forever, but I just don't know how to change it.

So, I dropped my college classes today. I swear I feel more retarded by doing that then I think I have ever felt doing anything else. I just feel like I could have been stronger or tried harder, maybe just gone through with the classes and failed miserably then just dop them. I hate being a failure, and disappointing people. I know I have and it kills me to be less than what they think of me. I feel like right now there is a huge F on my forehead that everyone can see, I hate not being good enough or at least adequate. What I dislike more than that is realizing that I am, and I am in soo many areas of my life right now. I never thought I would be where I am right now, I didnt picture this in my life. I expected so much more from myself, I am just this huge let down that disappoints everyone including myself and I hate it. I finally come somewhat closer to achieving my goal of becoming a Teacher and being able to help kids and work with them....my dream, and what do I do? I fuck it up, I back out, I whimp out, I drop out. Whyyyyyy am I sooo screwed up? Why cant I handle the stress what the FUCKKKKKK is wrong with me? It is ridiculous what a loser I am at the moment. It makes me realize why I am not good enough for someone at the moment, why I will never be good enough for them. I have prided myself in being somewhat smart and this is the dumbest thing I have done.....what now? What the fuck do I do now? Its pathetic really, I am working at fucking Wal*Mart no closer to what I really want in life at any aspect. Ridiculous....just ridiculous.

I have always had a hard time trusting people, it is just something I do. Why let someone in if they will just end up hurting me in the first place? That is why I tend to keep a lot of people at a distance, not let them inside so when I do get hurt it doesnt effect me. However, what happens when you do let someone in thinking that they never could or would hurt you, and in the end of course they do. Why isnt there something to protect you from that? I am tired of letting my guard down and in the end being hurt. I know to live your life fully you will automatically end up being hurt. I have excpected to get hurt, but when it is by someone you unexpected I swear it is ten times worse. So which is better going through life guarded and unable to trust almost anyone? Or going through life open and welcome to trust people but constantly getting hurt? I mean I know you have to trust to get to a certain point with someone and be happy, but why risk it? Sorry, this is just a pile of shit that came out of my brain.