My Computer
My computer is on its last legs. I'm fairly certain that any day now, it will spontaneously burst into flames as I'm illegally downloading episodes of Lost, sending pieces of computer shrapnel into my face and setting my place on fire.
I'm convinced that if my computer were a person, it would have physical capabilities comparable to those of Stephen Hawking.
Yes, he is alive, and yes, he can probably explain Euclidean quantum gravity, but at the same time, he can only communicate by blinking or using an electronic voice synthesizer. Like Stephen Hawking, my computer is old and diseased. It's slow, it freezes every other time I use it, and it probably hosts more viruses than a crackhouse in Harlem.
One of its most irritating defects is a broken keyboard; the "G", "H", and "Delete" keys periodically get stuck, often causing me to unknowingly write cryptic emails to my friends that say, "ey, you douceba. ow's life?" This gets especially irritating when I have to type in passwords that have G's or H's in them. I literally have to copy and paste letters from text on websites into the password box in order to check my email.
So far I've found three effective ways of getting the keys unstuck. I can either turn my computer over and push really hard on the plug, hit the offending key repeatedly as rapidly as possible as if I'm playing Track and Field on the original Ninetendo, or lift my keyboard three inches off the table and let it drop back down. I wonder if anyone has ever tried to resuscitate Stephen Hawking using any of these methods.
