Last posting to this blog..
| subject: | more self hate |
| post date: | 2008-04-12 22:02:40 |
| views: 29 comments: 0 ratings: 0 |
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Whats the point of taking "sexy" pictures if your own boyfriend doesn't even really wana check them out? He hasn't hardly seen a single one. i let almost 4k people have access to them, but if he doesnt want to see them, then i don't even want to take them. whats the point? Why bother? If the one person in the world that i want to appreciate and like the pictures doesnt even feel like bothering to figure out how to use the site and see them then why am i taking them at all?
I feel ugly. Unattractive. Fat. When he says he thinks of me when hes horny he must be lying. I woudlnt think of me. The fat, the strech marks. The uneven boobs, the skin discoloration. The innertube-like stomach fat ring, chunky thighs, arm flab. The negative selfloathing phrases cut into my stomach. I want to take a razor blade and slice little lines all over my face, because then id have reason to hate it all. If i just scar myself up enough everyone else can see how ugly i really am. how ugly i feel.
Why do i want to go to sleep and never wakeup again? Why must i have all this self loathing? Why cant i like myself? Why cant i find what others seem to in me? why cant i see whats so apparently special and great? Why cant i just function.
Maybe i should go away, maybe i do need more intense treatment. Its not like ive many friends so i dont have to worry about them all leaving me again. i drove them all off long ago.
It doesnt matter. none of it matters. nothing matters. I dont matter. None of it matters. it doesnt matter. nothing matters. it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter. i dont matter. I dont want to be me. |
(♥housewerk! my mans movin in)
