| bleh. |
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| author: | | | last post: | 2008-04-14 22:06:36 |
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Last posting to this blog..
| subject: | Sleep forever and ramblings |
| post date: | 2008-04-14 22:06:36 |
| views: 31 comments: 0 ratings: 0 |
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I just want to sleep.
Sometimes I want to sleep forever, never wake up.
Sometimes not so much.
Last night I dreampt there were two of me. Like one good and one bad. It was kinda like a video game, except no fun. In order for one of me to survive i had to kill the other. Everytime i killed myself i woke up. 6 times atleast i can remember waking up, and going back to sleep and having to do it all over again. Sometimes I couldnt tell if i was the one killing or being killed. Sometimes i couldnt tell if i was the good or the bad. I dont know who won.
Needless to say I got very little real sleep.
When I want to sleep it doesnt come.
When I need to do things I sleep.
Now I sit here.
After tossing and turning in bed for a hour.
Frustrated and angry at the lack of unconciousness.
Frustrated and angry at how I feel as of late.
Frustrated and angry at everything it seems.
Frustrated and angry that not even in my dreams can I escape anymore.
I dont wana watch tv. I dont wana play a video game. I dont want to listen to music, nor eat anything present in the house. I dont want to rate pictures or write a blog, or check my email. I dont want to chat and socialize. I just want to sleep. I want to lay down and be comfortable. I want to not feel like there are lumps all over the bed or myself, making it impossible to get comfortable. I wana not feel like Im eatting a ton of cat/dog hair while trying to lay my head on my pillow. I wana lay down, curl up under the blanket, snuggle my harley hog and pass the fuck out. Normally my bed is like a cloud, bouncy and coverd in pillows, but tonight it feels like there are rocks in my mattress and my pillows do nothing but smother me.
And id like my boyfriend to be sober. Id like if more then 50% of the time he rememberd when we had sex, instead of being so drunk hes half passed out. id like if he could be there for me more, help me more, but its hard when hes so very intoxicated or focused on when he can get fuckedup next. Id like to kiss him and not have it taste like beer or some random whiskey. Id like to know he loves me and he doesnt just love me on the drugs. Every major part of our relationship has been while hes on something. booze and pain killers of some sort. The day we met. The day he asked me to date him. The day he told me he loved me. He says he just doesnt communicate well without them. Would he communicate with me at all without them?
its been 40 minutes. My pills still havent kicked in. I wonder if its time for more pills or to add some booze. Thats funny, bitching about his drug use and then talking about my pills and alcohol.
It doesnt really matter i guess.
Id like to punch myself in the face. Slap myself hard, bash my head into the wall. A surge of adrenaline to kick things up and then be able to crash with the adrenaline rush crash. I dont wana cut myself. I can never cut deep enough, i can never cut in the right places. It never bleeds enough to make it worth it anymore. Why wont it just bleed like before? Why is it so thick and clot so quickly?
ill just keep writting because otherwise gods only know.
My therapist said i was having Day Terrors. I had them when I was younger but we assumed it was the medication. I would be sitting and suddenly kind of stare off into space and hallucinate. Once i saw the staircase catching fire, spreading up the wall and across the carpet. I could feel the heat it gave off. I refused to leave the house for several days after that, fearing for the pets safety if there really was a fire. Once I saw someone break through the basement sliding glass door and stab my mother in the heart, then walk over and slit my wrists. It was so realistic that I could feel the warm blood dripping down my arms and legs onto the floor. Those were the worst of them that i remember. There was a rat as well, a large rotting/decaying rat that would appear running out of the shower, or sneaking behind a book case. I saw him alot.
Hadnt happened in years, 8 years maybe. Then i was sitting in the therapists office a few weeks ago and everytime i looked up at the potted flowering plant it witherd and died. I watched as the petals turned brown and rotting, falling to the ground, and the green leaves shriveling up to nothing. Everytime i looked away and looked back, it died again and again. Over and Over. its somewhat discouraging.
We'll take a xanax and a bong hit now. Im not sure exactly what all ive taken. since therapy this morning ive taken 8 of the lorazapam, lose dose so thats only like 4mg. 2 or 3 xanax. Somedays one dose and im good. The dr perscribed lorazapam on mild days does a ok job. otherdays its like ive taken nothing at all. i could take 4 times whati should, and still the sedative does no sedation. Doesnt matter since im not taking it like i should anyways. Im gunan run out before my appointment and ive too much anxiety to call for another perscription, ill just wait till i go in. id like to see if she will give me something different, somethind stronger. I feel like the hopelessness is comming back. I had hope, i had a therapist and psyichiatrist finally and medication. but its been a month, and i still feel this way. I still feel like im in the same place but with drs involved.
My cholesterol is too high and my vitamin D is too low. The vitamin D deficancy can cause me to feel like shit apparently. The cholesterols just funy cuz im eatting SO much less meat then before, and yet it keeps going up and up.
Glucose is 7 points away from being considered diabetic.What do i do with that? Its hard to do the diet that i need to do when some days i dont eat at all. Not eatting isnt part of the diet, but its not like i can just make myself hungry, i can make myself eat, but that just brings on vomiting, which ruins my already damaged enamal on my teeth.
I just want to go to sleep. I wana get up at a decent hour, check my fubar and myspace and shit for a hour or so while I wake up and caffinate myself. i wana take the trash and recycling out, put the dishes inthe dishwasher and then pack up the dog and my overnight bag and go to my moms, where ill mow her lawn for the afternoon, toke up with her all night, sleep and then steal her lawn mower and car and come back wednesday and mow my own lawn before i get a notice from the city.
i just wana do that, i wana get up and accomplish something tommarow. i dont wana sit here all night. i dont wana have another one of those nights where im up and upset, half because i cant sleep, causing more inner chaos because my mind flips on to the negativities.
The therapist said it was gunna be hard for me. Part of the therapy is taking the negative thoughts and countering them with a possitive. Which i can do, but then i continue on and counter my possitve statement again with a negative one. She said "what if we took all the negatives and put them all over here"[hand gestures to the side]. I told her i didnt know. Everytime i mentally tried to put one to the side i followed it, There was nothing possitive for me to cling to in its place. It ended up on the statement that If i put all my negatives to the side, i feel as tho id be left with nothing. As shitty as it is, they are all Ive got.
"State one good thing about yourself" she told me.
I told her I thought I was a good listener. BUT I didnt feel that way anymore, i used to think i was a good listener, untill Joey walked away without a word to anyone, because if i was such a good listener, if i counted that as a strength, i would have seen it comming, i would have heard his... discomfort, I would have some idea of why he left. But i dont, I have no idea why such a close friend left without a word, and i blame myself, i feel i was a bad friend, for not knowing or being able to see what happened for real, behind all the bullshit drama that happened at the time.
I discussed the Andrew siutation as well and came to the thought atleast, if not the realization, even tho part of me knew it before, that that atleast wasnt my fault. He chose to walk away without a word, among a few other things, because he had seen how much it hurt me when Joey did it, and he wanted to hurt me for some reason. He couldnt communicate properlly his problems to me/with me and i must have been hurtting him in some way for him to want to be vindictive. There i tried to blame myself, "i must have been hurtting him". When in all acctuallity andrew tends to freak on most of his friends at some point, lashing out in some day because they "arent a good friend". Andrew needs therapy, andrew needs to communicate with people on a real level, or im afraid he will end up angry and alone in the end. Not that im one to judge really.
That sucked so much. I met andrew and joey 3 or so years ago nowand became close friends with them, and it was the first guys i let into my life, without it being sexual, my first real guy friends that i felt cared about me and would be there for me, since i had been raped at the age of 14. I stopped having guy friends then, i stopped trusting them. Andrew and Joey were the first guys i had trusted since then. And it broke my heart and spirit in so many ways when they both just left without a word. Without a single word. Andrew was even living with me, i awoke to him moving his stuff out through downstairs backdoor, he drove off and that was the last i saw him. He still even owed me rent money per our arangement.
i hate to even admit that they hurt me at all, because it did hurt so badly. You try to put your strong face on so they cant tell they had any effect on you. But it wore me down, inside.
And then all the kate stuff. Gods only know what happened there. It was such a mess, i guess atleast its not a mess anymore, its just nothing. I dont know that it will ever even be anything again if we tried. Things were just... all fucked up.
How does your whole group fall appart so quickly. or i guess it just fell appart for me. Kate and Andrew still have friends it seems. Joey seems/ed content, if not happy, in isolation with his girlfriend and their relationship.
It just makes me wonder. Why am i all alone, i guess i drove them all off, i know i vaugly drove kate off, but i felt it was for the best, we werent good for each other. Kats been comming over more often, which is nice. its nice to see someone, talk to someone like... one on one time. Time like i used to have with kate or andrew or joey, Sometimes Kats even theraputic, because she is inquizitive and asks questions, which makes me think about it more and in turn makes me come to more stable realizations myself. I cant for the life of me get close to Mish[not that i dont have love for her] shes just... more like the club buddy, the go out with girl, less like the person i spend tons of my time with and bare my soul to.
None of this makes much sence to any of you, and no ones even prolly reading this far down. Its all for me anyways, not for you. Its me trying to keep my mind from wandering to its self loathing side, the side that writes such horrible things about myself. The side that overpowers much too often now.
I feel like ive lost touch with manti now too, shes family so i dont loose her like other friends, but weve not chilled ina bit, and ive been meaning to talk to her about her... timeliness. With how i feel about myself, its hard for me to feel like she cares or that im of any importance when shes sometimes hours late in comming to hang out. I know shes got her own shit going on, whcih is why i havent brought it up yet, because i know how it is, and i know shes prone to being a tad late anyways. I just feel like... its gotten so much worse lately and to even make plans to hang out makes me feel worse about myself because i feel ill spend all day waiting for her and then by the time she gets here im all bummed.
i guess she bought a house, i heard through my mom, which is funny because normally... its manti and i exchanging information because our mothers dont tell us anything. It just seemed backwards, kinda made me sad to hear it from my mom, instead of from her. but who knows, maybe she just didnt wana bother me or something.
I need to paint my living room. its been set up and partially prepped for over a year now. furnature free for the most part, needing some sanding, some small patching, some primeing and painting, fora year. And the therapist asks why i feel i am pathetic. It should have been done by now. Everytime i look at it, i get so overwhelmed. i dont do things right, i fuck shit up. I make it worse. It was alot easier when my "friends" were there to help, it was fun. Now its like everything we used to do together, as a team, I have to attempt to do alone, and it just makes me cry, because it was like stuff we did together, stuff we bonded around doing and had good times with. Stuff that got us up and moving, laughing, singing along to music. And now i turn the music on, and stand alone inthe empty room, or the huge backyard and i feel so sad. So dissapointed that all those great times are gone forever. The things we had planned, never to happen, not together atleast.
I feel very hopeless. I feel like I lost the good and the bad and now i sit here alone with my thoughts and my voices. My red and black dogs my therapist spoke about. My good and my bad. The more you feed one, the bigger it gets. its hard to feed the good when its so hard to find it in yourself. Or when you think you find the good, the bad snatches it away. There has to be balance. A ying and yang. Everything in moderation.
I feel slightly sedate, but not tired. my restless leg syndrom has halfed its speed, but its still goign rather quickly. And im not so angry and frustrated now, just more.... sad. Regretful, not necessarily for things that happened, but for things... that wont because things have changed and friendships ended.
This has been a better post. i had taken my selfhate writtings in to my therapist, so i was trying to make this less self hate and more helpful thought writting. it has become awfullong however and i may be ready to pop a movie in and sleep or go rate some fubar profiles.
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