Miss Vanima's blog: "blah"

So some people may remember me mentioning my friend Shannon in previous blogs.. if not i will do a quick rundown..

right after me and hubby split.. i became friends with this guy shannon. he was just splitting up with his girlfriend Kristi. since then we have gone out as friends many many times... pretty much at least once a week we hang out..  I had/have a crush on him.. he knows it.. but we discussed it and decided that it would be best to stay just friends... fine with me!

issue is when he gets a bit drunk.. he starts getting touchy feely and a bit jealous of other guys... at one point he straight out told a guy that was hitting on me that if i was going home with anyone it was him.. i was like.. WWHHHAAATTT??

anyway.. last night we went out as usual. he was drinking, so was i.. I was texting my exboyfriend Beau. We became friends again just recently. Shannon (before he got too drunk) was asking me who i was texting.. so i told him. (remember.. JUST FRIENDS) also told him that i would probably go to beaus after the bar because beau was having a party. Shannon says "not if i have anything to do with it." i was like what? he said he was going to keep me with him all night so i couldn't see beau.

ended up not going to beaus because.. i was out till 530 in the am with shannon. we had a blast.. MAJOR fun..

when i was driving him to his truck.. he was all quiet and sullen.. not even talking to me... when we got to his truck.. he got out, mumbled a bye and walked off.. i was just sitting there with my jaw dropped.. thinking.. wtf just happened...

My phone was dead.. had been for most of the night... so when i got home i put it on the charger and checked my messages.. there was one from shannon. it said "thank you. you reminded me what i hate about kristi. good night." I was like WTF??

so i text him saying what does that mean? what did i do to piss you off?

finally at 10pm tonight i got one back saying "sorry for being a jerk"

i asked him what i did and he said "nothing.. it was me.. not you" and i asked him to explain..

he said.. "im walking into work.. i will talk to you tomorrow"

wtf is going on with this guy.. HE said it would best to stay just friends.. me.. i dig him.. more than i should.. I am trying to keep it on the friends level.. but wtf is this shit...

so 3 weeks ago I went to my GYN... and she did a cervical cancer test on me. Yesterday, it came back as a negative. Thank god....

now the problem is that we don't know what is wrong... I went through a full round of blood work today (seriously... 4 vials? wtf is that shit... not little vials either.. BIG ONES...) had cultures done of my vajayjay... and also had 2 freaking ultrasounds...

oh and urine test for hormones and stuff... i dunno... lol

anyway.. I was watching the lady who was doing my ultrasounds.. and at one point she made a face and was looking at the screen... she kinda startled me when she said "have you been having pain?" i was like yeah.... and she asked "where.." i said left side....and she said hmm... she was looking at my left ovary.... but didn't tell me anything...

I go BACK to the doctor on the 7th... hopefully it was nothing... i am a littttttle worried though

So.. i talked to him tonight... quite a bit... he wants to go out wed night again (whole group of us.. not a date)... i am like... um... maybe... and am like.. dood... yesterday you could barely talk to me..... but i didn't say that part LOL

i dunno... i probably will.. i need alcohol

I am SOO stressed out... it just hit me today that i could possibly have cervical cancer... i know my GYN told me... but... it JUST hit me.. i was crying at work.. blarg... few more weeks and i will know... my appointment is on the 17th..

on another note...

my cat had her kitten.. there were 4.. one died..we tried to save it but poor little thing... so we have three babies... cute little boogers... i have a few pics to post in a bit...

i forgot how little baby kitties are... though.. one of the little fuckers is fat.. i am naming him after Deacon LOL!!!

because i realized that cutie didn't remember anything.. i didn't even give him a chance... i told him i understood he was drunk and all that i wanted out of him is a friendship... even if i DID have a little crush..

now he is acting all wierd around me.. when i am around he kinda just disappears..

UGH i hate men.. i give them an out and they get freaked

he sooo doesn't remember snuggling up to me at the bar...

he was at work so i didn't go into detail.. i told him that i was MORE than happy being just friends... and i will... thats all i really need out of ANYONE right now.. yes i am crushin (told him that too... i grew some balls tonight) but i really just need the friendship :D i told him we could talk tomorrow and i would tell him all he did or whatever...

I don't know if he is interested.. but i did make it clear i really want friendship even if he WASN'T interested..  :D

Wed. night I decided to go out..

Me, Eva, and Stacy decided we needed a girls night.... well.. girls night was screwed by my cousin brian saying HEY COME GET ME! he was TRASHED and couldn't drive.. so he came with us..

We get to the first bar.. and decided we didn't wanna stay there.. so we leave and go to nates... well.. just so happens the cutie that i am kinda crushin on was there... ya know.. the one i was playing pool with last week? (if you read my blogs once in a while you would know who i am talking about LOL)He and his friends were having a night out too... we all hung out... 2 am we leave nates and go BACK to the first bar...

my girls (and cousin) leave me there with the cutie and his friends which was fine by me.. i had my car...

Cutie gets DRUNK... and this is where i get a little flustered and frustrated cause i don't know what is going on..

He starts snuggling up to me and stuff... i am like YAY!!  we never kiss.. come close a few times... but whatever..

finally go home at daybreak and i get about 3 hours of sleep before having to get up for school and work... not 20 minutes later cutie texts me... made my day.

i go to class and then meet up with him after class... hanging out for a couple of hours until i go to work... no biggy.. but then while talking about the night before.. i realize.. i don't know if he REMEMBERS any of the stuff he was doing... IE.. does he remember pulling me close and keeping his arms around me.. or like.. nuzzling my neck (i started stuttering... i have a thing with my neck... and scruffy faces.. rawr).. or other stuff... (again.. didn't kiss.. and no sex either!!)

I dunno if it was the alcohol or what.. but now i am kinda scared to say anything... i wanna know if he remembers.. but gah! so confuzzled!!!

Well.. my night started out crappy.. kinda

I went and met my mother for drinks since it was her bday. had a blast with her :D shes insane...

after that me and this guy from work (shannon) were supposed to meet up and play pool at this place called hard rack at 1030. I get there at 1035 and he isn't there... I text him and ask where he was.. no response... 20 minutes later.. i ask him if he is still coming.. no response...  20 minutes after that i say fuck it and text him telling him i was going to ANOTHER bar (only reason i stayed that long was because i knew a girl there and was talking to her)

I was FURIOUS (hence the status from my cell) I start pounding down shots... then.. i get a text message saying something like "omg i am sooo sorry.. i fell asleep.. i am going now.. if you don't come i understand" I text him back saying i was at AJs and didn't know if i wanted to leave...

well at midnight my friend laura and i are getting restless and tired of watching slutty bitches dry hump random strangers at that bar.. (literally.. as in.. if they didn't have clothing on.. they would have needed a condom) so we decide.. fuck it.. lets go play pool... We go to hard rack... we walk in and grab drinks and shots... he comes up and is all appoligetic and stuff.. sooo.. we all start playing pool.. him, me, her, and this guy brad we work with as well.

i had tons of fun after that... we were talking about going to another bar.. but ended up not since him and i both have classes tomorrow.... buuuuuttttt he did say he was going out tomorrow... he told me the bar.. and i was like eww i hate that place.. so he immediately changed it to one i like.... sooo we made plans to meet there...

i get home and see a text from laura saying that he wouldn't look at ANYONE else... i was like.. bullshit! she said she kept an eye on him...

I don't believe that... there were some prrreeettttyyyy girls there.. and i know what his last girlfriend looks like... she was pretty... and thin.. haha..then she was all like.. why isn't he at your house with you!?!? i was like OMG shut up... its soo not like that (at least not yet.....)

well.. i suppose we will see what happens tomorrow.. friends for sure.. more? hmmmm.... would be nice :D

(ps... sorry for the spelling... i has a lot of alcohol in me...)

*****EDIT...I texted him on thursday to check to see if he was still going... NOPE... all he said was no.. no reason or anything... guess Laura was wrong!****

going to play pool with a guy friend from work... cleavage shirt or not? that is the question!

A couple of weeks ago my mother went to have a surgury to remove precancerous cells off of her cervix and uteran walls.. she had a couple of not kosher paps and they found the cells..

I have had one slightly odd pap before.. I have an appointment in the next couple of weeks for another one..

since the first odd pap I had.. i have had some.. issues.. Therefore.. I am TERRIFIED of this appointment.

My chances of being able to have children are already pretty slim.. I REALLY want kids... and now i am terrified of this... what if there IS something wrong.. what if the issues that i am having are because of cancerous cells.. what if what if what if...

I am fucking scared and don't want to do this alone.. but I don't have anyone to do this with me... my mother is still catching up on work and i won't ask her to go through this.. my sister is living 4 hours away... my husband.. oh god where to start with him... all of my friends have other things i won't pull them away from.. kids, school, LIVES...

I hate being who i am sometimes

I found a spot in my house that i get to bounce off of someone's interwebz (for now at least!)

gonna test it out and see how it works at different times of the day and what not..

maybe... JUST MAYBE... i won't have to make my budget even tighter by having to pay for interwebz :D