Beaver's blog: "Beaver's Damn"

Dr. Sey Whut is one of my shrinks. Yes, he has his hands full. Dr. Whut is of no relations to Dr. Who. Just want to clarify that. Dr. Whut engages me in many different conversations. He is a nosey feller. But I think most shrinks have to be nosey in their profession. They want to find the root of the problem. I don't have a problem... Often. In a recent conversation, Dr. Whut asked me about my five ex-wives. I thought he was wanting to date them. He assured me he was not interested in dating my ex-wives. Good! I is still a jealous man. Dr. Whut wants to know the reason my wives divorced me. The answer is simple... Who wants to live with a nut twenty four hours a day..? Actually, I blame the failed relationships on me talking in my sleep. Dr. Whut explained it is not uncommon fer folks to talk in their sleep. Why did my wives take exception with my sleep talking..? I dunno exactly... I reckon it could be I was talking about all my girlfriends in my sleep and my wives didn't like it. Dr. Whut checked his watch, closed his book, got some medication fer his sudden headache and tole me to go home. That was the end of that discussion. Now, how is Dr. Whut gonna cure me if he only spends five minutes talking to me?

Sumwon is my best friend. Some think he is my imaginary friend. Yea, right... Y'all think Beaver is nuts? Okay, I appreciate your honestly. I got two words fer ya! "Youse Right!" But Sumwon ain't imaginary. He is real. I cannot help it that y'all cannot see or hear Sumwon. Perhaps Sumwon is shy? Or, maybe I can see and hear better than you can. I am half moron and half earthling. I can see things that full blooded earthlings cannot see. I must be gifted. Sumwon visits me whenever I snap my fingers. And he leaves when I snap my fingers. Sumwon never knows whether he's coming or going. But I can talk to Sumwon. He won't go blab it to everyone else. Sumwon can keep a secret. I only wish I had a secret to tell Sumwon. I dunno any secrets.

Question... "Beaver. How does an ugly guy like you get so many gals?" Answer... "Horny fluid flows in my system. It's a chemical that can turn on some women to me. It doesn't work on every woman. Mostly, pretty gals seem immune to my horny fluid. Plain gals are affected by it. I never know what women the horny fluid will work on."

A question appeared on my computer screen. "Do you like George Bush?" I dunno George Bush. He doesn't run in my circle of friends. I don't like his brand of politics. But I sure do love his family's canned beans... Bush Beans is mighty tastey. But I can't comment on George personally. Never met the gentleman!

Not all blog experiments are successful. The Hoopee Holler Gazette is such. Too long and boring. Have to spice up the blogs with some raunchy talk. Give it some fire. I will return to the shorter blogs. Too much reading will contribute to brain rot. I am positive of that. I used to read alot. Look what happened to my considerable brain? It has begun to rot from the decay of all that worthless knowledge. All the bullshit you learned in school. Most of the stuff you never will use during your lifetime. Thar are two ways to get ahead in this competitve world... Brown Nosing and Blow Jobs! Now you know why I am a failure!

Wet Thang is a masked nutcase who had been terrorizing the local population. Wet Thang will run into town and urinate on fire hydrants or car tires. He must think he is a dog! Wet Thang wears a yeller jogging suit, sneakers, and a black ski mask. Ole Wet Thang will pee on anything. Pull it out right in front of people and commence to tinkling. Sheriff Earl almost caught him but the crazy guy peed all over the Sheriff. Wet Thang ran out of town laffing his fool head off! But ole Wet Thang finally got his just desserts. He peed in front of Widow Jensen. She did not appreciate it. The Widow sprayed Wet Thang's thing with Mace. Wet Thang fell to the ground squalling out in pain. He was fanning his pee-shooter.The man was in some pain. Shriff Earl and his deputies arrested Wet Thang. Turns out Wet Thang was a local college student. He was doing it fer a prank. As fer Widow Jensen... She had this remark... "I have been a widow fer ten years and that boy wants to tease me with his little thing! I don't think so!" I created this little song fer Wet Thang... Sing it to the music of "Wild Thing." It goes like this... "Aaaaw, Wet Thing...You pee on everything! You must be proud of your thang...Aaaaw, Wet Thang." That's enuff of that.

I went into Wal Mart and seen some ole friends from the days we worked at the H.H. Bullcrap Condom Factory in downtown Hoopee Holler. They was bitching about their long term disability benefits being a problem. How true... Yes, it is a problem. That's why I got a lawyer to handle mine. He took care of all the details and I didn't have to worry. I urged my friends to do the same. But they won't. They have to have something to bitch about. Wayin Dean is still on the outs with his wife, Peggy. Last week, Peggy came home early from work and got her feelings hurt. She caught Wayin and Bertha Butoms having sex in the bedroom. Peggy went ballistic and commenced to cussing and tossing lamps, shoes and anything she could throw. Cowardly Wayin hid underneath the bed. Bertha who would make three of skinny Peggy did what any woman would do under similar circumstance... She took off running out of the door. Bertha had left her clothes behind. Yep, she was buttnaked! All 250 pounds of her. Bertha was hotfooting it to the city limits. Well, Peggy grabbed her son's paintball gun and headed after the big hussy. She was shooting Bertha in the butt with the paintballs. Yea, Peggy couldn't miss a target that wide. Sheriff Earl stopped the paintballs and put an end to the conflict. Bertha was covered in a white bedsheet. Peggy was handcuffed to the door of the police cruiser. A few minutes later, Wayin Dean came on the scene. He was crying and begging his wife to forgive him. That didn't happen! Peggy tossed him out of the house. Wayin then tried to get Bertha to take him in. But she is mad at him, too. Old Wayin is staying with his mama. Sheriff Earl remarked to his deputies that Big Bertha's butt looked like one of them abstract paintings you see in an art gallery. The H.H. Bullcrap Condom Factory recently lifted the sex ban they imposed on their blue collar employees. Someone in management decided to ask the production workers to abstain from sex during the work week. This nitwit thought having sex made the workers less able to get the production quotas. Well, I made a big deal about it in the news last week. Making fun about a company that needs sex to sell its condoms...Then asking their workers not to have sex during the work week. The nitwit was fired and has left the holler. He was being laffed at in town. Having been a blue collar worker I can tell y'all this... The production quota is always one more than you produce! That's a fact. Well, today it was seventy five degrees on the courthouse temperature guage. Local farmers are busy plowing their fields getting ready fer spring planting. It is a busy time fer the farmers. Y'all drivers watch the backroads fer tractors and horses when you drive. Slow down and give the farmer the right of way when you can. Without farmers, we'd starve! And I know y'all like to eat like I does. I can't wait fer them fresh vegetables and melong from the garden. Yea, I is gonna plant a small garden. Just some taters, maters, cucumbers, squash and anything else that suits my fancy. Reverend A.J. Sims of the Fellership Church is trying to explain to his parish why he was caught inside Goldy's Massage Parlor with his pants down. The State Police raided Goldy's last Saturday night fer the 2nd time this year! Looks like the state would have more important things to do then raid Goldy's. Nuthing is ever done. Goldy and her gals go to the local jail and return to work as soon as the State Boys leave. They don't get fined or nuthing. With good reason, too. Goldy donates money to the local economy. She also gives to the charities in Hoopee Holler. She paid fer the kids playground equiptment in the park. Mayor Charlie Hassbeen tole the State to stay out of local business. But you know how stubborn them state boys is. Reverend Sims claims he was at Goldy's to save the souls of the fallen angels who work thar. Those fallen angels claim the good Reverend was thar fer sex. Hmmm. I better not say much else. Reverend Sims threatened to sue me if I offered my thinking on the reason he was at Goldy's with his pants down. I'll leave you good folks to your own thoughts about what was going on. More local folks is armed with computers now. They asked me to start putting the local news on the internet. You can see that is what I have commenced doing starting today. I will still put out the paper version fer folks who don't have computers. I plan on doing the paper version once a week. Every Wednesday morning it will be at Cheap John's Trading Post, the Library, The Get Skunked Saloon and several other businesses around Hoopee Holler. I ain't decided how often to do this paper on line. I could do it more often since it don't cost me anything. I'll let you know later on about all this. But I don't think I will do a daily paper since I is kinds lazy. But y'all already know that. This Saturday at ten in the morning will be the Parade to honor Hobie Wills and Jessie Moon fer returning home from Iraq. We is throwing a parade fer the Military boys. We must not ferget Jasper Jenkins who was killed in Iraq two years ago. The Parade is fer his memory, too. Get down to Main Street before ten. Grandpappy Moon will have two thoroughbred horses running at the April Meet at the Keeneland Track in Lexington. If the horses stay healthy. They are at the Keeneland Track now training. I'll give you the dates as we get closer. Mayor Hassbeen is planning on renting two tour buses to take folks to and from Keeneland this Spring. Stay tuned fer ticket prices to be announced later. The Get Skunked Saloon will be showing March Madness Basketball on their two big screen TV sets. Get thar early fer a good seat. I know all our Kentucky teams has already lost their games. But it is still plenty of good basketball left. I can hardly wait fer opening day of Major League Baseball. It is getting closer. Yea, I love that thar baseball. I love the Reds and the Yankees. Next week starts Spring Break... Thar will be less college kids here during the break. They will be heading to Florida. The grade school and high school is also out fer Spring Break. Watch out fer youngsters on the loose. Drive careful. I reckon that covers enuff fer this Wednesday... If you want me to report anything newsworthy fer you then give me a buzz. I is here to protect and serve. Y'all have a safe one...Y'all hear! Keep your dreams wet and your powder dry!